Surviving Infidelity in Your Relationship.

Always have Open Communication and Honesty...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is an affair? What constitutes cheating? Infidelity? These are very personal definitions. Most people have their own version of what constitutes what. Here is a definition I have adapted from experts in the field that works well: An affair involves one of the partner’s passion being directed at someone or something other than their partner that often includes secrecy.

Affairs/cheating can include making-out with or kissing someone at a club, one-night-stands or flings, cyber sex, or behaviors for getting sexual gratification. They can also include devotion to cars, work, projects, children, etc. If the activity keeps one partner from fully engaging and being available to the other, then the activity can be considered an affair.

For the purpose of this article, the focus is on affairs that involve one of the partners going outside their relationship for sexual and/or emotional intimate gratification with another person(s).

The affair is not the problem in the relationship, but a symptom in the relationship. Affairs happen for a reason. Even if you thought your relationship was great until the affair was discovered, there was still something in your relationship dynamic that allowed for the affair to take place.

Affairs are discovered in many different ways and can be addressed once they are acknowledged. It is more difficult to do any repair and healing work until this happens. Very often one of the partners has a gut feeling  their partner is cheating to have the other stubbornly deny it. This leaves the suspicious partner very disgruntled, confused, insecure, and with a host of other not so pretty feelings. In my own experience and from literature, it is believed that when a partner has this gut feeling it is usually true.

**A note of caution: sometimes because partners have been wronged this way or have experienced other forms of betrayal, they are unreasonably suspicious. It is therefore unfair to say that if there is a gut feeling their partner is cheating for sure.

The suspicious partner’s reality is tentative and questionable if their instincts are denied. If they believe, and can a lot of times prove something, but their reality continues to be denied, they are left with a world that doesn’t make sense. Things don’t add up and the relating with their partner is off, and yet they can’t put their finger on it. As a result they go on a quest to prove and make sense of things, becoming detectives, nags, interrogators, etc. This situation is not healthy to any of the parties involved, Both parties can’t get their needs met and are not satisfied in their relationship.

When there is a suspicion and/or the relationship is not working, it is better to come clean so some real work can be done. It is risky business disclosing affairs as the partner who went out of the relationship has to face consequences and related fears. My thoughts are that if one wants a genuine and satisfying relationship, works needs to be done and it can’t happen when there are secrets and exits in the relationship. What’s the point of continuing a dissatisfying situation? It might get pretty heated and ugly in the face of a disclosure, but in the long run, whether one creates a satisfying relationship with their partner or moves on, they are taking charge of their life and meeting their needs.

Once the affair is admitted or disclosed, the offending partner needs to be prepared for the other partner’s reactions. Once the storm settles the couple can get to working. A lot of patience is required here and the offending partner needs to hang in there until their partner gets a grip. At that point the work entails rehashing the details of the affair so the non-offending partner can finally make sense of their world.  This includes admitting lies, filling in the blanks, and answering questions about events, situations and the other person. Even thought this is painful and uncomfortable for the partners, it is very helpful in co-creating history and their reality and establishing a platform from which to build the new conscious relationship. Remember our imaginations are pretty powerful,  it is better to have facts out there than to leave our partner guessing.

Then some real healing and rebuilding can start to happen. The partners need to put the affair in context of their dynamic and see it as a symptom of what they have and how they have related. They need to own what they contributed to this dynamic that eventually led to one of them going outside their relationship. This is very hard work, especially in the face of the tumultuous feelings going on.

The aggrieved partner needs to receive a sincere and complete apology and amends need to happen for forgiveness and healing to be possible. The offending partner needs to initially suck it up and be at the partner’s whim in creating security and proving their sincerity. The hypervigilance and micromanaging eventually subsides, hang in there.

While this work is being done, the partners also need to be working on creating changes in their dynamic and healing their original wounds that set this wheel in motion in the first place. Making these changes empowers both partners and serves as a preventive measure for relapse.

Experiencing this traumatic situation in our relationship is not an easy thing to undergo and heal from. Doing the work is worth all the effort and pain. Couples do not go back to how they were before the affair, but create an amazing new, intimate and strong relationship.

There is nothing good to loose by not addressing these lapses in judgment. Tap into your courage reservoir and get to healing!! You can only make things better in your life in the long run!!!

Happy Healing!!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Discuss with your partner how you’ve been absent, emotionally and otherwise distant or unavailable, and your plan of action to correct this lapse. Tell them specific behaviors you will be implementing (i.e., coming home two hours earlier, not accepting out of town projects or meetings unless your partner can join you, not watching T.V. at dinner time, breaking off the relationship with the other person and not having contact with them, etc.).

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2006-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

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Are You Changing Enough?

Take Time to Discuss Wishes & Needs

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s very interesting to me to watch couples struggle and go around and around… I find that this happens with the ones where partners refuse to take ownership of their own contribution to their relationship’s status quo and are fixated with having their partner change… These are the partners that also are waiting for the magic pill and for me to fix their partner. I have a bit of news for these partners – it ain’t gonna happen!

When partners wait for the other to change, they are waiting. When they wait, they are wasting the moment and the opportunity to have something different – right there and then! If this resonates a bit with you, in that you are waiting for something different in the interaction, I implore YOU to do something differently, to mindfully, respectfully, caringly, and compassionately reach out to your partner about it.

When an interaction is going south, take a step back and see how you are provoking the situation. How you are inviting your partner’s reaction. How you are pushing their buttons, triggering them. How you are hurting your partner. Instead of focusing on how your partner is going about this all wrong, stop your approach and try something different – the more loving and compassionate approach. We all just want to be understood, accepted and loved at the end of the day. Give that to your partner

I implore you to stop blaming, pointing fingers, and waiting. You will be waiting forever as you cannot change the other, nor drag them to change, push them to change, or beat them to change. Change can only happen when you change yourself! When you are frustrated and in pain because of your partner’s actions and attitudes, take a moment to see what you are contributing to the moment and in general. Stop being the victim and take charge of what is happening! Take charge in a loving, giving, nurturing, forgiving, investing manner. I’m not suggesting aggression, punishment, ultimatums, control, threats and other ploys partners resort to when they want to take charge… These invite more of the same and escalate your situation.

Please STOP your approach NOW and try something different. Stop going at it from a wounded, deprived, violated and entitled perspective and be NICE! YOU invest TLC. YOU invest compassion, understanding, love, and affection. YOU start and continue to use your partner’s love language and stick to it no matter what. YOU have the power to invite your partner to a different moment. YOU have the power to break the impasse and seduce your partner. YOU CAN DO IT!

Remember, challenging situations are opportunities for healing, growth, and change. Go about this as if this was a course on change you want to ace. Make believe each interaction is a test… Prep for it, research, get your resources, be at your best, and a have a plan of action to ace your test… Give it your all. Give it your genuine, Authentic all, not your egocentric all… Stop waiting and change your relationship right now.

Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your spectacular relationship. Share your thoughts and progress on our blog page!  

Happy Changing!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Identify your usual “fight”, conflict or disagreement. Think about what is driving the tension. What are you ultimately trying to get out of it? Think about what emotional needs you are trying to meet by holding your ground…

Now think about other ways to get this needs met…

Ask for concrete gestures from your partner that would meet those needs, not necessarily related to the topic of conflict… Share the reason behind your request and that you are stretching your approach to the relationship…

Add this to your tool kit…

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2008-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

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Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

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Betrayal – Loving and Trusting Afterwards.

Accept and Move Past the Bad...

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is very painful to experience betrayal in our relationships. I am primarily referring to betrayal by loved ones. This is the most painful betrayal. Betrayal may happen in many different forms and can be experienced by anyone at anytime during their life time

Betrayal might take place in the form of sexual, physical, emotional, and/or verbal abuse by a perpetrator onto a weaker subject. It can take the form of abandonment and neglect by a loved one. It can take the form of infidelity. It has to do with transgression of personal boundaries. It has to do with breaking the trust of the given relationship. It has to do with the breach of confidence.

It includes dishonesty ranging from little lies to huge cover ups. It includes exiting and undermining behaviors. It includes broken agreements whether they were formal written contracts, vows, or a spoken and unspoken consensus.

Betrayal can be experienced in degrees and there is a range of related emotions, symptoms and side effects associated with it.

People who have been betrayed by loved ones (parents, siblings, relatives, spouse, children, friends, etc.), have experienced a rupture in the cloth of relatedness. This is a colossal grievance.

Because of the inherent self-focus of the perpetrator, the victim’s perspective is dismissed and unsupported. They are left alone to make sense of the trauma and the wholes in reality as they know it. The usual lies, secrets and cover-ups associated with betraying acts, further perpetuate the confusion. The victim’s sense of themselves and their world is shattered.

They now go through life trying to make sense of their experiences and interactions which are being processed through the ruptured cloth of relating frame¦ They have a hard time letting people in, trusting, opening up, becoming interdependent, asking for help, to say the least!

This is very difficult to live with. People who have been betrayed to some extend or another, need to process and address this so they are free to build healthy and satisfying relationships from here on! They should not subject themselves to a life of disconnection, loneliness and desperation. It is not fair. They are entitled to a full life with loving and caring relationships, regardless of what happened in their past.

This holds true even for those who have ended up also perpetrating betrayals, They should not punish themselves for eternity because of it. They just need to do the work as well.

People who have experienced betrayals are usually expected to forgive and move on. They are told that this is what they need to be in a better place. This is a difficult and daunting task to accomplish. There is the misconception that forgiving is the only way to be able to move on and get one’s life back.

I’ve learned that forgiveness is not the only way to be able to accomplish this, and that there is a step that can happen before forgiveness is potentially pursued, if desired. That is ACCEPTANCE.

Acceptance can be achieved by the victim doing work to mend the rupture regardless of whether the perpetrator is willing to cooperate and make amends (or even allowed by the victim). The perpetrator is not needed in the acceptance process, and the victim can get their life back and move on. They can mend the rupture without the perpetrator’s assistance.

Forgiveness is just icing on the cake. Forgiveness is achieved by those victims who are able and willing to allow the perpetrator to make restitutions and whose perpetrators work with them. The key factor here is that restitution by the perpetrator is required for forgiveness to be genuine and able to flourish. For Forgiveness to actually take place, the perpetrator needs to work with the victim to mend the rupture. This is hard work but extremely rewarding and satisfying in the end.

Some victims have been hurt so deeply that they are happy with reaching Acceptance and moving on. They don’t want to forgive their perpetrator. They don’t want to work with the perp, and some perps are not very cooperative or available anyway. This is fine.

Most people confuse Acceptance with Forgiveness. Don’t get pushed into forgiving if you are not ready or willing. You DO need to do the work to come to grips with your reality and reach Acceptance, so your life is finally yours to live and free from the effect of the betrayal.

Get free from betrayal’s grip and get back on track with your life!!

Happy Accepting!!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Think on your betrayal situation and decide how you want to deal with it. Would you work towards acceptance or go for forgiveness? If the betrayal was perpetrated by your partner and you want to work toward forgiveness, have a discussion sharing what you need from them to mend the ruptured cloth of relating – rebuild trust.

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2006-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

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To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

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Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

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Liven Up Your Relationship – Have Fun!

Laugh With Your Partner

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is the Fun Quotient in your relationship? Couples have the tendency to become complacent in their relationship including the fun aspect of their relating. This is traumatic to the relationship as it stifles its energy flow creating a numb, stuck and disconnect feel and dissatisfied partners.

Regardless of your relationship stage, it is imperative that you have fun with your partner. Your brain and body chemistry change when you have fun together. This engenders and supports bonding and connectedness. Partnership fun creates positive and loving energy in your in-between that creates aliveness, passion, and intimacy. There are other countless benefits to having fun as well – like strengthening your immune system and more.

What is your Personal Fun Quotient? Do you know how to relax and have fun? What is fun for you? What is surprising, exhilarating, hilarious? What type of humor do you have? What do you find silly, amusing, funny? What makes you laugh? Do you banter, tease, joke?  Do you do pranks? Do you play sports or games? What activities do you enjoy doing? How physical do they get? Do you clown around, horseplay? Are you in touch with your body? What gives you pleasure, delight, joy? Exploring these questions for yourself will give you some insights into what you bring to your relationship fun.

Are you in need of expanding your Personal Fun Quotient and being more open-minded, flexible, engaging? This is an opportunity for you to stretch yourself and expand your repertoire. This practice will assist you integrate this potentially lost, denied or disowned part of your self. Start becoming whole again and feel your aliveness – engage your potential!

Can you imagine the benefits to your relationship, and your life, when you start doing this? It’s amazing! Now, be cautious at the same time because you might throw your partner off and they might be resistant to the new you. Mindfully share this part of you. There is no need to spook your partner – invite them into the fun!  

Enhance your Relationship Fun Quotient. Become partners in crime and make a project of having more fun together! How fun is that?!

Happy Having Fun!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Enhance your Relationship Fun Quotient. With your partner:

1) Create a Fun List (include high-energy ideas too) and pick one to do within the week; keep working your list

2) Create an Activities List of things you like or want to do together and pick one to do within the month; keep working your list

3) Create a Touch and Sexy List of behaviors and gestures you enjoy from each other, surprise your partner with one of theirs this week; keep working your list

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2009-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

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Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

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When Do You Get On Your Partner’s Nerves?

Welcome Your Partner's Vulnerability...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you know when you get on your partner’s nerves? There is a general underlying theme to the complaints couples usually share and that is that their partner is being egocentric. Egocentrism gets in the way of witnessing our partner’s beauty, gifts and contributions. It keeps us trapped in our mind’s machinations and delusions keeping us from Being our Authentic Self. Egocentrism prevents us from connecting with our partner and from having the relationship we want.

Most complaints can be boiled down to partners being egocentric. And, yes, this applies to those with codependent tendencies as well… Partners get stuck on their perspective, expectations, position, blaming the other or looking for the other’s shortcomings, and how their needs are not met. We can’t see our partner in all their glory – their brilliance, intentions, and love. We can’t be mindful and loving. Egocentric interactions cause pain. Our behavior is reactive and calculated. We are out to get our needs met no matter what – most of the times at our partner’s and the relationship’s expense… The result is that we actually don’t really get our needs met…

Characteristics of egocentric behavior include being: inconsiderate, self-righteous, controlling, rigid, manipulative, flaky, unaccountable, aggressive, passive-aggressive, overbearing, invisible, withdrawn or non-involved. It is impossible to create a wonderful relationship when we use these tactics. These hurt our partner and invite them to protect themselves, even retaliate, creating reciprocal negative and dissatisfying interactions. The stuckness in our relationship is made up of this yucky pattern.

Egocentrism comes from fear. We are egocentric as a means to make sure we are OK. Our ego is out to protect us unfortunately to our detriment as it forges “separateness” promoting additional fear and pain. What we desired in the first place, being connected, accepted and loved, is but impossible to get when we operate from this place. We are actually putting our hand up and saying ‘stop’.

Your stretch is to recognize when you are operating from an ego, fear-based place and move yourself to a heart centered, love-based place; mind your yucky thinking, engage your Authentic Self. When you recognize that you are being egocentric, you can bet your partner has not been experiencing you as loving. You have most likely been getting on their nerves and hurting them.

Once you are able to recognize that you’ve been egocentric, you can share your revelation with your partner. Share your fear script, your doubts, and your pain. Remember to speak about your vulnerability and not about how your partner contributed to the dissatisfying interaction. No need to overload, an acknowledgement of your wrong approach and reason behind it is sufficient.

Communicating on your process and sharing your vulnerability is validating to your partner allowing them to make sense of things, which in turn takes the sting away. This is an awesome repair skill to make nice after you’ve been hurtful. This level of self-ownership is empowering and healing, and builds intimacy and connection. Go for it, stop getting on your partner’s nerves!

Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.  

Happy Repairing!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

This week, think about one of your reactions, positions, or behavior that you can recognize as egocentric, fear driven.

Think about how this could have been experienced by your partner… And, how they might have felt.

Create a soft, playful, fun, cozy, mindful, safe moment during which you can share your insight with your partner.

Add this to your took kit…

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Enhance Your Relationship’s Romance, Passion and Fun Quotient!

Make Time For Playing With Your Partner

 

 

 

 

 

 

After the infatuation and dating stage, fun and romance doesn’t just happen in relationships. Great committed relationships don’t just happen. We have to put in conscious effort to create the relationship we want. Here are some tips for creating and enhancing your intimacy, romance, passion and fun with your partner:

1) Make time for each other and for having quality time together. Pick a time of day that is just for the two of you.

2) Stay connected through out the day by sending each other inspiring, funny, cute, loving or sexy emails, cartoons, cards, notes, etc.

3) Schedule consistent dates, couple outings, events and plans that excite, stimulate and enrich you as a couple. (Attend our Couple Events!)

4) Expand your repertoire of activities you do for fun. Add Gaming to your couple time – play board games for some warm and cozy indoor fun!

5) Surprise each other with little gifts, nice gestures, or different ways of responding.

6) Do romantic and sexy gestures at a frequency chosen by both of you: go on a hot air balloon ride, go to a famous romantic restaurant, have a midnight interlude that includes chocolate, strawberries and champagne, give a bouquet of exotic flowers, play hooky from work and go to the movies for a matinee or home for some intimate time, play footsy under the table at your-in-laws..

7) Integrate more physical activities into your joint activities: Garden (start preparing now by planning and designing your garden together), workout (join a gym or create an exercise program to do together), join a co-ed sports team, have outdoor fun by skiing, hiking, rollerblading, horseback riding etc., paint your house, have sex…

8) Fill a drawer in your room with fun and sexy toys and games, lotions, candles, lingerie and other goodies to have handy for when you are ready for them!

9) Get a Spa Treatment together!

10) Touch: hold hands, sit next to each other with bodies touching, cuddle, hug, embrace, hold, squeeze, pat, stroke, caress, massage, rub, fondle, pet…

 

BONUS:

1) Invite your partner to be silly and LAUGH: have tickle sessions, pillow fights, chase each other around the house, have water or food fights, listen to your favorite music really loud and dance around…

2) Have exhilarating experiences: bungee jump, parachute, hang-glide, scuba-dive, ride roller coasters, go on a safari trip, visit a haunted house, watch scary movies…

Start connecting more intimately today. Make sure you keep the fun and romance alive! Re-ignite the passion!!

Happy Romanticizing!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Have a brainstorming session with your partner about fun things you’d like to do together. Think outside the box and get creative. Pick 3 items form the list and schedule them into your calendars!

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2008-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

Posted in Enjoy Relationship Fun, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

It Should be All Fun & Games!

Build in Fun Time with Your Partner

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fun is important in our relationship. Having fun releases different chemicals in the brain that engender good feelings which get then associated with our partner. This is a good thing. Having fun with our partner should be a priority in our relationship. We can get huge returns on this investment!

It is difficult at times to remember to have fun a sad state of affairs but very common. Couples get stuck in their routines and getting through their days managing their responsibilities as best they can that they consume all their energy and resources leaving little for the couple itself. 

Top on most people’s list is having a great relationship. People are consumed with thoughts of how is it going  and what else they’d like from it. It is a wonder they are not Minding their relationship 24/7 and having a blast. A lot of people think they are working on their relationship and can’t understand why it is not more satisfying. The problem is, as I’ve written before, that they are putting in the wrong efforts. They are misusing even more resources and energy leaving the couple in a dire state and the partners hopeless and frustrated.

But couples are resilient and partners stick it out for a while before calling it quits. It is during this time, when partners are sticking it out, that it is paramount to refocus and re-channel the efforts made to connect with our partner, enliven the relationship, get our needs met and create the relationship and life we want.

One of the ingredients for accomplishing this is having fun with our partner. There are different kinds of fun to be had: being playful and getting physical, creating and working on projects, going on outings and trips, sharing dreams and goals and working together on accomplishing them, learning new skills together, and identifying different ways to play.

Integrating fun into our relating promotes good feelings, receptiveness and cooperation creating an ally and a teammate of our partner! With an ally we can win any game we set ourselves out to play!!

Happy Playing!!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Make a list of 5 fun things you would like to do within the next month and have your partner do the same. Now pick and choose from your lists creating a joint list of 5 items you and your partner agree do together to have FUN. ENJOY!

 Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2006-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

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To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

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Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

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How Much Do You Get Your Partner?

Communicate, Connect, Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The majority of the couples that want to improve their relationship identify that communication is an issue for them. They share how they can’t see eye-to-eye, convey their feelings and perspective, or understand each other. They report they end up fighting every time they try to address something not being able to resolve disagreements or being delayed in making decisions because they can’t get on the same page with their partner.

The lack of communication means struggling day in and day out in their relationship. Some partners choose to go it alone when making decisions or addressing needs to avoid disagreements and disappointment. Partners that avoid conflict end up having a very distant and lonely relationship. On the other hand, partners that are not avoidant are at risk of escalating disagreements that threaten their emotional, and even their physical, safety or the relationship itself. Either way, this lack of skill is detrimental to their well-being, their relationship and their quality of life.

The goal of good communication is to show your partner you “get them” so you can connect, get on the same page and smoothly go about running your life. This includes three key elements:

Reflection - Show your partner you hear what they are saying by repeating what you hear without interpreting the meaning, reading between the lines, assigning motivation, or adding your own perspective or information to it.

Validation - Show your partner you understand their perspective and how their experience makes sense giving who they are.

Empathy - Show your partner you understand their feelings, their emotional state around their perspective.

Note, that within the relationship one partner tends to be the distancer (aka, the underfunctioner) and the other the pursuer (aka, the overfunctioner) even though the relationship itself picked up a pattern or theme (avoidant or conflictual). Regardless of the relationship theme, it is important that each partner stretches their own style to reduce the polarization that maintains the status quo. Identify your style below and implement the approach described to address what you contribute to the patterns that are keeping you stuck.

Distancer (passive) – Take a Risk. Make a commitment to mindfully share your thoughts, preferences, and wishes. Express yourself in a non-threatening or challenging way. Share your internal world (remember, your partner does not need to know everything, but do open up!). Share developments, actions and decisions made in the recent past. Share dreams, goals, and plans. Share from a place of sharing and having a voice, not from a place of rebelling or punishing…

Pursuer (aggressive) – Take it Easy. Make a commitment to give it a rest and to give your partner a break. Learn when to stop before things go to far. Invite your partner into discussions instead of blindsiding them. Prepare yourself for your chat so you are grounded and patient, less reactive. Learn to wait until you’ve calmed down to address things that bother you, or to resume a discussion that went array. Address your needs by speaking about yourself, not about your partner, and not to control, manipulate or convince…

Therefore to crack the communication and connection impasse immediately, approach your partner by Taking a Risk or Taking it Easy depending on your identified needed stretch, and by responding to them using the Three Key Communication Elements. Be magnificent this way! When you stick to these parameters miraculous things happen in your relationship. Implement this without reservation. Make a full commitment to making this your default setting in your relating. Take a no excuses approach to making this your new way of being in your relationship. When you are magnificent, your relationship is magnificent!

Happy Getting Each Other!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Choose a weekly time slot with your partner where you each get to responsibly, positively, mindfully, and lovingly open up about your experiences with each other in the relationship, and in your individual worlds.

Make this is safe and enjoyable appointment. Discuss the rules of engagement when you choose the time, and add a special touch to make this a positive relationship ritual: take turns bringing a treat, set up the space with nice ambiance, choose a relaxing regular spot, etc.

Gift your relationship with special dedicated time each week!

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

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To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

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Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

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Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

 

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Fun and Pleasure…

Make Play Time With Your Partner a Priority

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a tendency towards passiveness in our relationship as time passes.

Couples get comfortable in their routine, whether it is an efficient and satisfying routine or not, and lax in their relating, whether they are on the same page or not. They settle into whatever relating they have developed and stick with it, becoming more and more passive in their efforts to keep passion, interest, mystery, and seduction alive.

This passiveness comes as a result of couples settling into and getting caught up in the everyday grind, being reactive because of their unprocessed and unaddressed wounds, and their just going through the motions in their relating. They come to not be in touch with one another. As this passiveness continues, the partners feel more and more disconnected.

The Rx for this is joint fun. Having fun together creates pleasure and safety intensifying the couple’s emotional bond.

So what is fun and how can you have more of it? Fun is any activity that requires high energy interaction and no skills, has no rules, can be done wrong, produces deep pleasure in the form of an orgasm, laughter or both, and is done in a short period of time.

This kind of fun, high energy, deeper breathing, blood and endorphins pumping kind of fun, creates a feeling of being alive, energized, charged. It is proactive. It adds life to the relationship.

Playfulness is one way of having fun and it’s a natural form of expressing our innate drive toward full aliveness. Playfulness can include singing songs with added funny wording, splashing in the pool or bath, drenching each other with water balloons, wrestling, racing up the steps or to the car, having food or pillow fights, or tickling each other.

Add fun into your relationship, enjoy new pleasures and a renewed sense of being alive. Allow passion and connectedness to resurface in your relating and savor a stronger emotional bond. Get playing!

Happy Bonding!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Create a Fun List: Sit together and brainstorm for Fun Activities that follow the definition of fun described above. Make it long. Get silly and have fun with the process. When you have a nice list, pick one making a date for when to carry it out. HAVE FUN!

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2006-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

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To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

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Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

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Rituals – A Fantastic Couple Success Tool!

Create a Special Relationship Ritual

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is no better way to create wonderful memories and meaning in one’s relationship than with rituals. Rituals are a special way to show love, appreciation and importance for the partners throughout time in the life of the relationship.

Relationships are made up of interactions between two partners which can be negative or positive. Their repetition provide the overall feel of the relationship. Rituals collaborate with this process.

Couple rituals play a central role in giving color, substance, and style to the relationship and mark off one couple from another, giving each a special character. They make a major contribution to the stability and continuity of the life of the relationship. They assist in creating and maintaining a couple’s identity (unique values, standards, role prescription, and perceptions).

Rituals encapsulate the essence of who partners are within their relationship through the reenactment of specified behaviors. This is a tool that can help change that overall feeling and enhance the meaning of the relationship and its satisfaction quotient.

There are specific characteristics to positive couple rituals. They are symbolic, consistent, respectful and meaningful. They have a sense of specialness and importance. They provide a sense of “weness” and organize partners’ behaviors. Partners feel a void when they are skipped or absent.

Rituals can be creative and exclusive to celebrate anniversaries of events and holidays, or repetitive woven into our routines. There are actually three categories of rituals:

1) Celebrations. These specific to the couple such as engagements, weddings, anniversaries and Valentine’s Day; and family celebrations in which couples partake. Family celebrations can be religious holidays such as Christmas, Easter, The Passover Seder or secular holiday observances such as Thanksgiving, New Year’s Day, or the Fourth of July, within the American culture anyway.

2) Traditions. These are less culture-specific and more idiosyncratic to the couple and their family and recur with regularity. These might include: Summer vacations, dates, birthdays, parties of various kinds, special meals.

3) Ritualized routines. These are the ones most frequently enacted and the ones least consciously planed. To this category belong rituals such as a dinnertime, bedtime routines, leisure time activities on weekends or evenings, everyday greetings and good-byes, contact during the day, ways of staying current, etc. These interactions help to define partners’ roles and responsibilities and are a way of organizing daily interactions.

When rituals play out over time their richness reaffirm symbolism of values, affects, and perspectives hence their power to be conduits of change.

Which couple rituals in your relationship capture the essence of who you are as partners in your relationship? Which rituals promote positive feelings in your relationship? Which rituals promote meaningful and satisfying interactions? Which rituals allow your relating to create the relationship you want?

Use Positive Couple Rituals to change and enhance your relationship today!

Happy Ritualizing!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Create robust rituals to celebrate your coupleness. Revisit your rituals and see which ones you want to do away with, which ones you want to keep and why, and which ones need tweaking. Make sure your rituals help you create your relationship vision.

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2007-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

 

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Do You Know How to “Clean” Your Energy?

Share Good Vibes With Your Partner

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are energy. We look like solid entities in our human form only because of our limited human faculties. We are energetic beings with vibrational frequencies. Imagine us as energy waves, reaching further than apparent by the illusion of our human form. We are all interconnected… We all feel and impact each other… It is our human duty to clean our energy, to make sure we raise our vibrational frequency. The higher the frequency the closer we are in our Being to our Authentic Self (Soul). The higher the frequency the better we feel and the better we Love…

This might be a foreign concept to some of you. If this is the case for you, I ask that you stay open minded and keep reading from a place of curiosity.

Ok, so how do we raise our vibrational frequency? It is actually much easier than it sounds! First, you need to assess what kind of energy you have in the moment. If you are feeling down, blue, sad, hopeless, powerless, scared (fear), insecure, guilty, unworthy, worried, discouraged, disappointed, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed and the like, then you know your frequency is very low – what I usually call “dirty”. This is not in alignment with your Authentic, Loving, Self.

It is your responsibility to make yourself feel better. You DO have control over how you feel. At any moment in time, you can make a conscious decision to change your mood and emotions. This does not mean you are living in la la land or that you are being delusional. This means you are in charge of your Self! Stopping your negative and limiting script, changing your dirty lens and owning your self, and choosing what you focus on and what pictures you put in your mind are ways of immediately changing how you feel. Go back to prior issues for a refresher on these if needed.

Sometimes it is a little challenging to take charge of our Self in this way… So, while you are getting used to this idea, getting good at taking charge of your internal world and making it work for you, there is another approach to add to your tool kit. Now this might sound really basic, but know that when applied strategically it can make a world of difference in your life and relationship. The trick is to literally remove yourself from your immediate moment: You can stop a discussion or task and schedule it for later, and instead engage in a different activity to get your resourcefulness juices going again. These can be any proven feel good activity in your book… The key is to shift the moment, engage in an activity that makes you feel good.

When we feel good, we raise our vibrational frequency – it’s this simple! Feeling contentment, optimism, hopefulness, belief / positive expectation, freedom, enthusiasm, eagerness, passion, happiness, joy, compassion, appreciation, Love is in alignment with our Authentic Self… The closer we get ourselves to these feelings, by whatever clean means, the closer we are to Being our Authentic Self… Please take a moment to digest and take this in. This is the moment of truth…

When we Are our Authentic Selves (Soul-ful…), have a high vibrational frequency, we create other high vibrational frequency experiences feeding a “healthy” reciprocal loop… Can you imagine hanging in this range consistently? What this means for the experiences in your life? What this means for the type of relationship you can create, experience – immediately? It’s time to clean your energy and start enjoying the blossoms of your higher vibrational Self. Feel better, love better!

Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.

Happy Cleaning!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Pick 3 feel good activities, rituals, and treats to integrate into your week – book, schedule, and calendar them. Get any related materials or prepare spaces involved ahead of time. Make this a weekly ritual in and of itself!

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Enjoy Relationship Fun, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Restructuring: Are You In Your Partner’s Circle…?

Stay in Your Own Circle!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Couple relationships experiencing difficulties can be categorized into two broad styles of relating: temperamental or tenuous, and can fluctuate between these extremes. These relationships are not satisfying, and not likely to succeed – enjoy couples’ inherent synergy, as the partners are spent in their constant efforts to address the impact of their relational style.The partners might feel overwhelmed and exhausted by the level of reactivity in the temperamental relating and/or sad and alone by the distance in the tenuous relating.

The temperamental relationship might appear chaotic, volatile, reactive, the partners are all over each other. The tenuous relationship might appear rigid, cold, boring, polite, a lot of rules are in place, the partners lead parallel lives. Some relationships might fluctuate between these or have traits of both.

Regardless of the relational style polarity the partners tend to create, one of the common denominators between the styles is their ineffective system structure. The couple system consists of two individual subsystems, the partners. How these are aligned within the couple system determines in part the effectiveness of information and energy flow between the partners required for building intimacy and connection. When this flow is disrupted by an inappropriate systemic structure, the partners can not be their authentic selves in their interactions nor be fully alive in their relationship.

Imagine the partners as circles. In the temperamental relationship, the partners are enmeshed with one another. Their individual circles might significantly overlap one another or one might engulf the other. In the tenuous relationship the partners are disengaged where their individual circles might be very separate, might have an obstruction in between them, or are above one another. Combination of these are possible creating more complex interactional patterns.

Imagine the couple system itself represented by a circle that contains the individual circles structure. The success of this system depends also on how the individual circles are positioned in relation to it. In some troubled couples, one or both of the individual circles might be outside the couple circle, or the couple circle is barely discernible. In these cases, the energy is leaked out of the couple system giving the partners a double whammy to deal with – funky relational structure and views.

It makes sense then that couples would struggle… And, a little mis-alignment is probably present in most couples, not just the ones screaming for help… How can couples possibly experience and enjoy synergy!?  We haven’t been taught how to do relationship health and maintenance. If anything, most of us have grown up with mediocre relational role models at best.

Not to worry, good intention and an open heart is a good beginning. Then, restructure your system to its proper healthy functional order! How?

1) Mind your interactions to see if you are doing any engulfing, owning, dismissing, rejecting or other disruptive relating with your partner. Correct any tendencies to do this.

2) Accept your partner fully – you don’t have to love everything about them or agree with everything they say and do, but try to understand, get and accept them for who they are.

3) Treat your partner as an equal and invite their authentic Self to come out and play.

4) Address gender and other roles, expectations, cultural influences and differences.

5) Cooperate with each other. Set up clear responsibilities and opportunities to shine.

6) Have functional and efficient routines for taking care of the business of life. Schedule staying current discussions.

7) Have a united front, work as a team, address any obstacles standing in between you or pulling you apart.

8) Build in couple fun and intimate time. Dialogue about what it takes for you to feel special in your relationship and how to sprinkle that into your relating.

9) Re-introduce old rituals and create new ones. Intentionally interact with one another. Regularly share what you appreciate about each other.

10) Set out to create the relationship you want with your partner. Mark your calendars with your next “Relationship Check-up Chat”.

The current state and structure of your relationship is a manifestation of your and your partner’s growth opportunity. You are co-creating exactly what you each need right now in your journey to continue to grow and heal your Selves. What a beautiful and humbling treat! Don’t let the moment pass you by, savor its richness. Appreciate the way of things.

Happy Restructuring!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Discuss with your partner ways in which you can each bring more equality, respect and intention into the relationship. Share with each other one new behavior you each intend to implement to foster effective information and energy flow between you for greater connectedness and intimacy, healing and growth.

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2007-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Enjoy Relationship Fun, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Follow the Path to Passion and Synergy


Find The Balance With Your Partner

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One characteristic satisfied and successful couples have in common is that they are part of each other’s lives. Duh-ah! I’m sure this does not come as a surprise. The trick though is how the partners are part of each other’s lives.

Partners have difficulties negotiating what this means to them and integrating a healthy approach to togetherness and couplehood. Their relating ranges from partners leading parallel lives where each barely knows what the other is up to and is minimally involved in the other’s activities, pursuits and processes to being completely enmeshed in each other’s world where there is little space for uniqueness, originality, and authentic selfhood.

The extent the relationship is characterized by these interactions impacts the resiliency of the partnership. This relating poses a danger to the couple as it extinguishes the sparks between the partners rendering them passionless.

Couples with no passion express dissatisfaction, lack of intimacy and connection and tend to feel dead in their relationship [Disengaged relational style], have a very conflictual relationship (misguided passion!) [Conflictual relational style], and/or become great friends (friendship is nice but not enough…) [Enmeshed relational style]. In any case, they are at risk. These couples usually do not fare well. The space between them is too great to bare, the conflict is too painful, and/or their interactions are too tedious and boring! 

Continuing with such dynamics leads to inertia in the relationship, while it lasts…, and in the partners’ lives. This is how people get stuck and are generally unhappy.

The opposite is also true. When partners find a balance between togetherness and separateness, of being a couple while holding on to their individuality, when they create a true partnership where they get to explore, integrate and express their whole self, they are then able to engender passion and tap into the synergy intrinsic to couples. Thus the couple is able to have a satisfying and successful relationship, create and contribute to our universe, live their life and be truly alive. The goal of our humanness…

Happy Balancing!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Identify what is your style [or combination of styles] of relating: Disengaged, Conflictual or Enmeshed. Discuss with your partner the impact your style is having on your relationship and your lives. Examine the contribution of your behaviors, activities and commitment to your style and their overall value in your life. Brainstorm and explore ideas of what to add to your repertoire that addresses your level of togetherness and individuality. Pick two ideas to integrate into your lives and do it now!

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2010-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

If You Can See It, You Can Create It…

Make Everyday an Adventure

 

 

 

 

 

 

You might not have a chance if you keep this up: A tendency to look for weaknesses, gaps, holes, things to improve, deficiencies and the like, and miss the boat on capitalizing on strengths in your relationship. We bring this tendency to how we view our partner and how we relate with them. We look for their shortcomings, what they forget to do, what they could do better, and what else they can do for us. We use a lack and negative expectations lens. We filter our experience to prove our negative expectations. We expect our partner to fail before they even try.

It is imperative that we stop using this destructive lens and reprogram our thinking. When partners struggle in their relationship, they usually have a proclivity for assuming the worst about their partner’s motives and how they feel. They sell themselves short believing their partner does not like them or care about them, then go about relating from this perspective… Can you imagine how differently you’d relate if you believed you are cherished as opposed to hated? You’d be a lot more open and giving, and a lot less defensive and mean.

It is imperative that we give our partner the benefit of the doubt, the opportunity to show us their greatness, and take a risk letting them show us their love and care. I know it is challenging to do this, especially when our partner has been operating with defense mechanisms, which are usually hurtful to us. But they can’t give us something different if we don’t give them the chance.

I encourage partners to do Appreciations to start reprogramming this undermining habit. This forces them to focus on the positives in their partner, interactions and relationship. They get to search, find and acknowledge their partner’s good qualities, efforts and investments. This shift in focus assists in rewiring the brain, creating a different brain circuitry, which allows a different experience to emerge…

Learning to focus on the positive and things we is an essential skill. It engages the gratitude center of the brain, which cannot be in a state of gratitude and a state of fear at the same time. We usually operate from a fear state that is driven by egotistical thoughts… It is time to make a concerted effort at operating from a gratitude state. This means operating from an appreciation and abundant position that is driven by Loving and accepting thoughts…

We are not our mind… We do have control over our thoughts… We get into trouble when we overly identify with our mind. We don’t realize that our mind is just a tool for Self expression, that we don’t use well at that. We create incessant noise with our negative thinking, ugly pictures and low or unrealistic expectations. We end up creating an unsatisfying self-fulfilling prophecy and prevent our self from Being! It is time to properly engage your mind. Take charge of what you think, what scripts you run, how you interpret things, what meaning you assign, and what pictures you conjure.

Remember that what we focus on perseveres, what we imagine we create, and what we expect we get. Create the most outrageous vision of your most fabulous relationship, and then carry on as if it already is… The more adept you get at engaging your mind the more wonderful your life and relationship are.

Happy Conjuring!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Let’s do better with focusing on the good and new…

  1. Pay attention to the things you like throughout the day
  2. Focus on the qualities you are attracted to in your partner
  3. Identify your partner’s strengths and how they make your life better
  4. Notice anything new your partner is trying to implement, any efforts put forth and any nurturing gestures (focus ONLY on what is, NOT what is not!)
  5. Observe how you allow the good to come to you and how you are able to receive the good that is given…

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

 

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Connecting is Vital for Tapping Into Your Synergy

Jump On Any Opportunity to Connect

 

 

 

 

 

 

One would think that connecting with our partner is an easy feat. After all they are the one person we are supposed to be the most intimate with. This is most often not the case and we are actually not that intimate. I find that couples have a very difficult time connecting, feeling connected and staying connected, and their efforts at connecting sometimes create even more distance between them. It doesn’t have to be this way.

First, we need to become aware of some of the ways we sabotage our attempts to connect and set ourselves up to be disconnected:

1. Being too busy
2. Placing our partner down on the priority list
3. Allowing other people and things to eat up our time and energy
4. Dismissing our partner’s attempt at closeness
5. Giving our partner negative attention and criticism
6. Setting up interactions and situations that typically annoy or hurt our partner
7. Withdrawing attention and affection
8. Demanding closeness, attention and caring
9. Being right all the time and seeing only our perspective
10. Playing the victim card

Then, we can start doing things differently. We can change how we set up interactions, respond to our partner, approach our partner and generally organize ourselves so we create space to connect. Note that as you attempt to implement changes to your non-connecting-habits, you will find yourself and your partner resisting and undermining the changes – even if you both want to really connect! Don’t trick yourself into thinking only you want to connect – your partner does too even if you can’t see it!

Connecting is scary – we are not used to being in real connection. We crave it and at the same time we fear it. Don’t let this stop you. Practice makes perfect. Ease yourselves into it. Eventually you become experts making sure you safe guard your connection, nurturing it and enjoying it!

From this connected place we feel gotten, understood, accepted, valued, respected, admired, wanted, and cherished. We mutually build ourselves up. We become whole. We grow up. We heal. Our self-esteem soars. We no longer just complement each other. We are now two wholes ready to collaborate. We are full of potential and might. We enhance and bring out the best in each other. We synergize and are ready to take on any old project we so choose to take on!!

Happy Connecting and Creating!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Pick two non-connecting-habits you have and make immediate moves to rectify them. Invite your partner to be open to your attempts at approaching them and to receive you.

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2007-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

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Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

 

 

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How Badly Do You Want An Awesome Relationship?

Be Awesome With Your Partner!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How badly do you want to have an awesome relationship with your partner? How committed are you to making the relationship work? Is failure an option? Do you have one foot out the door? I hear partners complain about how they want things to be different, but they don’t take any risks to change things. It makes sense that striving to create the relationship we want is scary, as this would entail Being in the relationship in very specific ways:

Being fully present and available.

Making our partner a priority.

Stretching to meet our partner’s needs.

Being patient, understanding, and compassionate.

Embracing our partner and their world.

Being vulnerable and showing up.

Bringing this way of being with our partner into our relationship takes a huge emotional risk and investment. For what if we are not accepted, wanted, embraced? What if what we give is not good enough? What if we are judged and rejected? What if we are left? What if in giving we lose ourselves? This is scary. So instead we hide, protect ourselves, and beat on our partner in an effort to make them the partner we want. We make a full commitment to making our partner our ideal partner… We become obsessed with changing them, even if just in the running script in our minds…

The problem is that the obsession holds us back. I’m sure you know by now that you can’t change your partner. When the focus is misplaced this way we force our partner to operate in self-preservation mode, which is usually not pretty… We actually invite the worst of our partner. We end up shooting ourselves in the foot. We choose this over the risk of operating from the more vulnerable, generous, and altruistic place. An unfortunate choice, as that is actually the gateway to our awesome relationship… Take note for how you invite the worst of your partner, for how you co-create the status quo of your relationship.

Now, don’t misunderstand this. I’m not implying you become a doormat or a punching bag. I’m simply suggesting you put aside the power struggle. You don’t have to have your way just to make a point. You don’t have to punish your partner. You don’t have to parent your partner or teach them a lesson. You don’t have to win or get your way. You don’t have to be right. Relationships are not about all that. If this is your focus and want to stick with it, I promise you will not be happy nor create the relationship you want. Stop all this silly nonsense. Your digging in your heals in reaction to their reaction is making things worse. Know that you create a non-ending reciprocal pattern when you do this. It’s time to start somewhere and change this. It’s OK to give in, risk, and invest.

Embrace the concept that operating from an altruistic place does not mean or lead to your being cancelled, muted, non-existent, nullified, eliminated… Creating space for your partner to exist and thrive does not take away from who you are, or make you an idiot. It’s OK to be humble, to go with the flow, to Zen-wise detach.

Detach with love and investment. Make positive contributions in your interactions, repair, healing, enrichment, and growth of your relationship: Set appropriate boundaries (watch your delivery). Make responsible requests. Moderate your feelings. Make timely amends. Mindfully share your thoughts. Give generously. Do a lot of Self care. When you take risks and invest you are empowering your Self and allowing your partner to exist. When your partner’s existence is not threatened, they can bring their best Self to the relationship. And, isn’t that what you wanted in the first place?

Become the ideal partner. Support your partner’s existence. Create safety for your partner to receive you. Invite your partner to be your ideal partner. Take matters into your own hands. Woo your partner in their love language. Go all out. No more hesitation, ambivalence, or holding back. Make a huge investment for a huge return. Go for your awesome relationship today!

Happy Investing!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Figure out how your partner makes you feel the negative feels you had growing up. You might have to go deep to figure out these feelings and the connection. Go easy on yourself, this is difficult stuff. Then share this new found insight with your partner from a non-blaming position asking them to just hear you out. Finally, give your partner two specific behavior changes they can choose one from to do providing you with a different outcome than the usual and thus healing you. Make sure the choices you give meet your needs.

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

 

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Your Relationship is the Key to Your Success!!

Let Your Partner Know They are the Key...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our relationship is one of the biggest, most powerful asset and gift we have in our life! It is a true treasure chest worth a fortune. It can deliver unimaginable heights of satisfaction, peace, joy, love, happiness and success!!

To cash-in on this fortune we have to polish the gems on the rough, the hidden treasures.

Hidden Treasure #1 – Potential to Heal:

One of the unconscious reasons we are attracted to our partner is their ability to trigger us, get under our skin, believe it or not! They trigger us because the way they treat us and relate to us makes us feel at a deep level the same way we did growing up when our parents behaved in ways that bother (hurt) us. History is repeating itself. We replicate patterns in our lives.

To heal we have to break this pattern and get from our partner a different outcome than usual to our disagreements and treatment that meets our needs. This mends our wounds.

When we operate from a place of being healed, we are no longer as reactionary, triggerable, and raw. This allows us to relate with our partner from a more conscious and available place creating satisfying encounters. Also, we have our emotional and mental resources ready for use in more productive and fruitful endeavors!

Hidden Treasure #2 – Potential to Grow:

The other unconscious reason we are attracted to our partner is their appearing to be similar to us but also very different. They may seem down right opposite us!! They are messy, we are neat freaks. They are social butterflies, we like isolation. We need to talk about everything, they don’t want to talk about anything. Etc.

We are unconsciously attracted to this seemingly opposite person and their characteristics and coping mechanisms because these constitute parts of ourselves and ways that we are not aware of and in touch with and thus in our partnership we become whole and complete.

To actually become whole and complete, we have to grow, we have to learn from our partner’s oppositeness and start getting in touch with and owning the different parts of ourselves that we have denied, lost, and hidden.

When we operate from a more complete and integrated self, we have access to different characteristics, coping mechanisms and parts of ourselves that bring forth a full and aware self to engage in relating, thus eliminating friction and tension idiosyncratic to operating from a fragmented self. An aware and integrated self make us more resilient and adept in our relationship and life!

Hidden Treasure #3 - Potential to Create:

Borrowing from evolutionary theory, we partner up to procreate and ensure survival of our species. In our more advanced times, where our lives do not just revolve around ensuring basic survival, this concept can be taken a step further to include how well we procreate and what do we do in our lifetime to ensure the survival of future generations.

This includes first creating a healthy, nurturing and happy family where children can be raised into differentiated, happy, healthy, well-functioning, and contributing members of our society. And, second, tapping into our partnership synergy so that we can be real contributing members of our society.

Our partnership’ inherent synergy is a fabulous resource to assist in these processes. When tapped and focused it generates energy, flow and momentum for the couple that assists and promotes the achievement of anything the partners set their mind to! The sky is their limit!!

Our relationship is a gift that usually goes unwrapped! It is a wasted and essential resource necessary for our wellbeing and success. We need our relationship to heal, grow and create successfully, and we have it right there for our capitalizing! All we have to do is polish those gems!

Happy Polishing!!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Figure out how your partner makes you feel the negative feels you had growing up. You might have to go deep to figure out these feelings and the connection. Go easy on yourself, this is difficult stuff. Then share this new found insight with your partner from a non-blaming position asking them to just hear you out. Finally, give your partner two specific behavior changes they can choose one from to do providing you with a different outcome than the usual and thus healing you. Make sure the choices you give meet your needs.

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2005-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

 

 

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Enjoy Relationship Fun, Feel Your Partner, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Do You Support Each Other?

Be There for Each Other

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We all have dreams, wishes and goals. There are things we want for ourselves, our partner, our family. Sometimes though we find that it is difficult, if not impossible, to make our wish a reality.

We may want to start a new business, go back to school, learn a new trade, pick up a new hobby or project, throw a party, have the house a certain way, keep fit, enroll in activities with our children, have more intimate and fun moments with our partner, having another child, etc. But life gets in the way and we just dream about these and never see them materialize.

This is an ugly way to go about our days and our life. We are not really living when we barely make it through “reactive” tasks everyday and then the day is over. Some people go through their days just putting out fires and not getting anywhere.

The thing is that in partnership your wishes and dreams can come true. It is difficult enough to motivate ourselves and set ourselves up to achieve success without the added burden of fighting our partner in the process. When our partner becomes our ally and a team player the energies that would normally go into convincing, cajoling, nagging, and compensating for them could be better put to use into making our wishes and dreams come true. Plus, when our partner works with us, life has a funny way of magically becoming a lot easier, fun and rewarding.

So, how can you invite your partner to team-up with you so you can create your dreams and have your wishes come true? Here are 10 ways to get your partner on your team:

  1. Show appreciation for the things, efforts and sacrifices they do and make
  2. Focus on the positive
  3. Give constructive feedback, only when asked
  4. Ask your partner to brainstorm alternate solutions when you are both stuck on how to resolve something
  5. Compromise – give in an inch
  6. Show kindness, gentleness and thoughtfulness
  7. Give lots of TLC (tender, love and care)
  8. Show them you are listening (repeat back what they say) and understand their point of view (from their perspective not yours)
  9. Don’t do the tit-for-tat game
  10. Trade favors

When you operate from this “nice” place your partner will want to spend time with you, be with you, make life easier and share it with you. They’ll be in your team and help you create the life and partnership you want. So, go ahead and “invite” your partner into partnership!

Happy Partnering!!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Have a discussion about concrete behaviors you and your partner need to be of support to each other to allow each of you to accomplish and achieve your personal goals (i.e., trading babysitting, cleaning the house out of junk food, shopping for healthy foods and snacks, cooking healthy meals, sharing household chores, tweaking sleeping schedules, scheduling work out routines, putting certain amount of money for a specific endeavor, etc.)

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2003-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

 

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Are You Tapping Into Your Partnership Synergy?

Tap Into Your Inherent Synergy...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

People usually marry for love. A new phenomenon, only a couple of centuries old, in the history of the institution of marriage and in this culture. I say “usually” because sometimes people just get married because that is the thing to do, again speaking from today’s and this culture’s context.

But what people sometimes don’t realize is that in getting married they are entering a deeper partnership. Choosing to be in a long-term relationship / marriage, is one of life’s most important decisions. The influence of this partnership is infinite. This partnership can enhance each individual’s potential exponentially. How does the saying go? “The sum of the parts is greater than the whole.”

In our partnership we learn from our partner, we complement each other, we support each other, we work together, we collaborate, we brainstorm, we dream together, we synergize.

In our partnership we can heal ourselves and we can become whole. This is the “psycho-babble” part of this beautiful concept. The tangible piece is even more engrossing and awesome. In uniting efforts, resources, support, and dreams couples can truly achieve unimaginable riches (whatever “riches” might mean for the couple).

It’s incredible to me to see how partners hurt each other, undermine each other, hold each other back and wreck havoc in their relationship. It is incredible to me to see couples work against each other as opposed to together. They see and treat their partner as the enemy instead of the ally they truly are. They do not capitalize on the synergy inherent of the partnership.

These couples have unhappy and unsatisfying relationships and are stuck in their own personal growth and development. They are not advancing as they could. They are not living the life they want. They have not reached their fullest potential.

I have seen couples achieve the impossible. Couples can not only function as romantic partners but as life partners. How is your couple measuring up in terms of being “life partners”? What does being “life partners” mean to you? Is your definition limited to being together “’til death do as apart”?

Or, is your definition broader and includes ideas such as meeting each other’s needs, learning from each other, becoming whole, resolving repeating arguments, reaching agreements on conflicts, having joint goals and achieving them, having personal goals and achieving them, shooting for the moon, enjoying the journey, leaving a legacy, being excellent role models for your children and others, and anything you think belongs here?

Your relationship can be anything you want it to be and can help you live life to the fullest. It just requires two willing partners. Invite your partner to join you in creating a life long fantastic partnership!

Happy Life Partnering!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Share with your partner what you had envisioned for your life and invite them to do the same. Discuss how your visions are similar and how you can work together to achieve your dreams.

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2003-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

 

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Do You Have Dirty Thoughts About Your Partner?

Save the Dirty Thinking for the Bedroom!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When was the last time you were physically intimate with your partner? If you say a long time, you are not alone! A lot of couples share their sexual life is in the toilet. They struggle getting along, among other things, to the point that being physically intimate is the furthest thing from their mind. Getting along is a big priority for these couples. They experience a lot of fighting, a lot of distance or a rollercoaster of both.

The fighting can range from bickering, disagreeing, passive-aggressiveness to full blown screaming, degrading and even aggressive matches. Regardless of the intensity, these couples are in constant turmoil in their attempt to be seen, acknowledged, accepted and cherished. They feel as if walking on barbedwire. One client shared he felt as if his stomach was full of broken glass.

For some couples conflict is so intolerable that they just prefer to avoid each other… These partners experience a gripping black whole in their chest and a sense of dread when in disconnection with their partner. The partner that usually prefers to be in connection feels as if they are falling off a cliff, but both partners struggle with the gloominess and stagnation.

Part of the reason couples end up in this place is because they tend to focus on the negative. They assign negative motives to their partner. They insist on pointing fingers and being the expert in their relationship as opposed to being accountable for their own contribution to the situation. And, they love to point out their partner’s shortcomings. Being the recipient of this treatment just plain sucks.

When partners treat each other this way, they touch the other’s vulnerable, already hurt and tender parts. It’s like adding salt to injury…  What they invite as a result is the other’s usual way of coping with hurt, their defense mechanism. As defense mechanisms get activated, partners revert to less resourceful, appropriate and honoring ways of interacting leading to additional injury. Partners live in this state of affairs.

Over time the damage is so compounded that it is difficult for them to make sense of what is happening and to see the possibility of being able to have the relationship they want. They feel stuck, hopeless and believe the only way to have a happier existence is to get the heck out. But I see couples come back from this hopeless state and create beautiful relationships. I know it’s possible, and with targeted investment I know it’s possible for you as well.

So, here is to getting started on making this possible for you!

I am CHALLENGING you to stop the usual running script in your head, the dirty thinking about how much your partner stinks. Stop the incessant negative internal, and external, observations and chatter about your partner’s faults. I want you to STOP IT NOW. Catch yourself having your negative assumptions and assigning of motives. Catch yourself nitpicking and looking for the imperfections. Catch yourself examining how your partner didn’t keep their word, follow up, finish a task, nagged you, etc. Catch yourself thinking how your partner should be different. Just plain STOP IT! I want you to go cold turkey, detox, and eradicate this cancer that is ruining your relationship, and your life.

Instead I want you to do the exact opposite. I want you to scour every interaction, behavior, conversation, gift, etc. for how awesome and fabulous your partner actually is. I want you to SEE your partner. I want you to stop futzing around and take investing in your relationship seriously. It’s time to make the changes you want and to make a full on commitment to making this happen. No more excuses. No just trying. Not making it work and not having the relationship you want are no longer options. Say yes to this different focus, and get to it!

I can imagine you just got to that last sentence and you were ready to go, and then doubt and fear crept back in. And, then you did your usual, “but why should I if my partner…” STOP IT! Challenge the part of your self that can’t take in the possibility of something different. Stop making it about how your partner needs to change and about how much they stink. Start being accountable for what you contribute to your situation and how you invite what you get… Start inviting something different…

Start focusing on what’s awesome about your partner and how they do try… Clean your thinking. Give your partner a break. Envision the possibilities. Open the door to them. Refocus your investment and enjoy your partner! Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.

Happy Refocusing!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Every night this week before going to bed, tell your partner 3 things you appreciate or like about them – be descriptive and detailed, authentic, and generous in your observation and sharing.

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

 

 

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Are You Conniving in Your Relating?

Bring Your Uniqueness to Your Interactions

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Partners love telling each other what to do, how to behave, how to be, what to think, how to feel, and even things like what to eat and how to dress! They are on a mission to change their partner, consciously or not. This is a sign of lack of boundaries and personal ownership. Partners love owning each other instead…

Owning each other disempowers both partners. The partners can’t be themselves… They have no control over what their partner does rendering them unable to create change if all the change is to come from their partner… In minding the other’s business they neglect to mind their own…

Partners love focusing on their partner and how much they stink, how they lack in some way. How they don’t do things, do things wrong, do the wrong things, and other goodies. The focus is negative. They don’t acknowledge, accept or cherish their partner. They don’t allow their partner to be themselves regardless of their warts.

Partners don’t own how they are inviting the behavior or attitudes that don’t meet their needs, what they are contributing to their situation, and how they are not being the ideal partner… This lack of boundary, ownership and accountability is detrimental to our relationship, our selfhood and our life!

It makes sense partners don’t believe change is possible, even though they are trying to change their partner! But, I’ve seen miracles happen when partners create space for their partner to be themselves, and focus instead on their own contribution to their life and relationship. They seem to have become different people and a different couple. Change IS possible. We are not striving to change the core people. We are awesome just as we are. And, we don’t want to change our partner – that’s with whom we fell in love! On the other hand, we are striving to approach each other differently so we connect, meet our needs and support each other’s human Journey.

When we set proper and appropriate boundaries, own ourselves and are accountable we create safety, security and trust. We allow our Authentic Selves to come out and play. When our Authentic Selves show up, we can create the relationship and life we want.

Remember, let your partner do their thing, be themselves, have their side of the story, have their experience and perspective, have their own views. You don’t have to love it or even agree with it all. You are entitled to yours as well, and your partner does not have to love it or even agree with it all either. This boils down to acknowledging and accepting each other’s world. You don’t have to compete to Exist…

Acknowledging, accepting and validating your partner’s world does not nullify yours… You can both see and experience something differently. As a matter of fact, you will both see and experience things differently. This is the way things are. You are two separate individuals…

Our job is to bit by bit allow our partner’s world to exist, and to own our own. Doing this in a measured way, reassuring each other, supporting and acknowledging each other, and having compassion for ourselves and each other makes this task possible and manageable. Going too abruptly creates our partner’s and our own resistance. Be patient and loving with your Self and your Partner.

In conniving with each other we exist, collaborate, and create. We can create the relationship and life we want. We can contribute a better us to the world, we can create a better world… Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.

Happy Conniving!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

For the next three days, set aside a few minutes every night to share about an experience you each had that day. Take turns sharing and listening. When the sharing partner is done, the listening partner is to repeat the essence of the story to make sure they got their partner’s point. Then they are to validate their partner’s experience: Expressing how it makes sense. Validating the partner’s experience does not mean the listener agrees with the story, experience, event, how it was handled, or that they would have experienced it the same way… It means, the listener understands their partner’s experience and that it makes sense they would experience that given who they are…

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

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To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

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Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

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Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

 

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Enjoy Relationship Fun, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Do You Have the System to Meet Both of Your Needs Yet?

So Much Sweeter After Time Apart...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being seen and accepted for who we are is a basic need that specially plays out in our relationship. I find that the driver behind most conflict and dissatisfaction in relationships has to do with the partners feeling they can’t be themselves in one way or another.

Partners impart this message to one another in different ways: Giving open criticism, telling the other how to be and do things, being very helpful and taking over, undermining the other’s efforts, minimizing or dismissing the other’s experience, withdrawing from interactions and in other ways, not keeping promises, forgetting or not honoring agreements, refusing to compromise, interrupting or changing the conversation, making digs and I’m sure you can identify others. This (re)traumatizes partners and has a massive negative impact on the quality, and success, of their relationship.

As human beings we have the Prime Directive to be our Authentic and Unique selves. This is our gift to our world and humanity. It is our reason for Living. It is our job to fully engage our Selves and make a Contribution flowing from our Experience… When partners judge, criticize, control, demean, sabotage and other goodies they prevent each other from embracing their awesomeness, their Legacy, and from (identifying and) fulfilling their Life’s Purpose. 

Therefore, there is incongruency for partners between the experience in the relationship and their sense of Self.  This is where all the disagreement, not getting along, questioning, ambivalence, turmoil, etc. comes from. Partners fighting is an actual fight for survival – for survival of the Self!

Here is where the balance between security and identify needs comes in. There usually is a gender manifestation around this where the women (more female energied partner) champion for we-ness and togetherness and the men (more male energied partner) champion for individuality and space.

The approach to bridge these seemingly opposing needs is to set up a system that supports and encourages both: Staying connected to our partner while taking time for our Self and our pursuits, or doing things our way…

Bridging Needs System:

Strategy - Set up plans to pursue a hobby, interest, socializing, and the like or doing something your way that includes built-in safety around this for your partner: Sharing the Why this is important to you, details involved for transparency (safeguarding trust), and how to stay in connection or synchronized.

Management - Manage the feelings that come up in making and bringing up the plans; and in receiving the news of your partner’s plans. Fear of some sort usually comes up for both partners for different reasons…

Development - While not together or entertaining your partner’s different approach make the most of your separate time or differences. This is a huge opportunity to learn more about your Self, fine tune your craft, share your Gift, replenish and recharge, connect with others, expand your repertoire, stretch your comfort zone, and invest in your Self in any way that enriches your Journey.

Reengagement - Don’t beat up your partner upon reentry, or completion of engagement! Share any struggles you might have experienced from an opportunity-for-growth place, not as a mechanism to manipulate and control to take care of your neediness… Stretch to share and receive what was learned, enjoyed, gained, etc. Remember: It’s OK to be separate.

Synergy - Stay tuned for how you are growing as a person, as a couple, and as agents of Change…

Employ a Groundhog Day approach to your system – review how you did, where you might need assistance, what could improve, and what to tweak in your process next time. Keep doing this striving for a masterpiece system with the knowledge that it’s a work in progress and perfection doesn’t exist. Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.

Happy Groundhoging!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Take a moment to discuss this approach with your partner and create your Bridging Needs System. Explore which step might be particularly difficult for each of you and why, speaking about your own potential struggle. Do not speak for your partner… Share the why from a Self Development place, not from a blaming your partner place… Support each other in your individual stretch and growth.

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

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Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

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Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

 

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Enjoy Relationship Fun, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

FOR VALENTINE’S DAY: The Gift of Self Exploration & Expression

Share Your Fabulous Self...

Often times partners share their wondering about how exclusivity, monogamy, and fidelity is possible in a longterm relationship. It is usually the male partners who pose this question when their female counterpart is not present.  

I appreciate their honesty, risk and willingness to explore this topic and concern. I completely understand their plight. Unfortunately, this is often chucked to “boys will be boys”, “it is unnatural for a man to be monogamous” and the like making men appear archaic. I would like to believe that we are more evolved than this. That society is not caging an animal with marriage that when let loose it will wreak havoc. No, not “I would like to believe”, I DO believe that.

I believe that the primal impulse to conquer and be “king of the jungle” has evolved and moved to the career and money earning potential realm. This is why men who don’t feel comfortable in their level of success, as measured by society’s standards in this regard, are depressed, dissatisfied, “searching” and managing the associated pain by numbing themselves in some way. Yes, the “successful” ones experience some of this as well because they still don’t feel as the “king of the jungle” at some level… Their primary relationship is not meeting this need… I hear the uproar from women, feminists and social keepers… But, let these men loose and they are still not happy… 

The answer lies in the balance between togetherness and separateness not just when it comes to how much time we spend together, but at an identity and energy level. If we are “too close” we lose our selves, our individuality, our uniqueness.  This is a traumatic and annihilating loss.  Women have a higher tolerance level for this as historically and culturally they’ve been taught, and even threatened, to be in this role, and because their brain is wired for “weness” to serve an evolutionary purpose. Men might experience this more as the caged-in syndrome. They are more likely to experience exclusivity as restrictive and believe that the answer might lie in going elsewhere to find and engage the other parts of themselves… 

Sexual intimacy as we know it in relationship, is laden with burden and restrictiveness. Women bring in the caretaking and men the protectiveness (restrained aggression). Neither is bringing their primal and adult-evolved selves, whose basic needs are being met, to their interaction. This creates neediness and apathy. This is boring!

What we usually fail to see is that in absence there is longing. In separateness we can embrace and share our splendor, and herein the “king of the jungle” thrives. Here is where men and women get to be themselves without the burden of stereotypes and other prescriptions… So, how do we set up security, connection and closeness to meet our security needs, and yet allow for space, separateness and individuality to meet our identity and erotic needs?

We think (or react…) through our interactions. We think through our lovemaking. Thinking creates emotional intimacy (when positive…), but with the caveat of impeding erotic intimacy. We do not allow ourselves to feel and be present. We do not fully express ourselves physically. We do not fully engage our embodied soul. We feel empty and dead. We might fall pray to believing we’d feel more alive by increasing the number of sexual conquests we notch on our belt, but we are bigger than this! It is instead about how we fully express our Selves in our human dimension in every interaction and every moment. It is not about numbers, it is about being…

So, while we continue to invest in meeting our basic needs it behooves us to be with ourselves, in our body and have a full experience of our Selves that we share with our partner. Yes, reality has its limitations and consequences. It is challenging to achieve this level of Being.

In the mean time the use of fantasy, Imagination, in sexuality is a vehicle that allows for the expression of unmet security needs, unburdened loving, and engagement of our embodied soul.  As Esther Perel suggests, “sex is somewhere we go, not something we do” and the goal in our relationship is to have intimacy through sex – erotic intimacy.

Our committed relationship, marriage, is then not a cage but a mechanism for self exploration, development and expression. This marrying of meeting our security and identity needs, eroticism, frees us to transcend our human experience, and the perceived limitations of monogamy, allowing us to embrace our latent Spiritual Being…

At the end of the day, fully embracing our humanity and physical body is our pathway to our Spiritual Self… Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment to help you effortlessly start implementing this, make changes and immediately experience the relationship you want.  There is no need to be archaic – transcend the limitations and embrace the possibilities!

Happy Transcending!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Find something romantic to do with your partner, your self and/or a platonic someone else… Engage your body and senses… Give from the heart, use your imagination, get creative, be indulgent – savor the giving, savor the moment, savor the love. Enjoy!

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship ™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

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Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

 

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Enjoy Relationship Fun, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

The Secret to Increasing Attraction and Loving…

Be Desirable...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When we are “too close”, whether we are getting along or not … , we can’t see each other. If we can’t see each other, how can we possibly decide if we like each other and feel attraction?

This concept is confusing to most, when we live in a society where relationships struggle and the ideal is based on fairy tales and believing our partner should be our best friend.

This is wrong. We do not want our partner to be our best friend. This places them in the familial category which makes the relationship incestous. It makes sense that the attraction wanes, or doesn’t exist!  

But even when we are not getting along, we might be too close for attraction and desire. We might think we are not feeling sexy feelings because we are fighting or are not seeing eye-to-eye. When in truth, we might not be feeling desire, because our energies and needs are enmeshed. This lack of differentiation is detrimental to relationships. It causes too much angst and erosion.

It’s an actual conundrum for partners as they need to experience separateness and differentiation to activate and maintain attraction, desire and passion (this is different from drama!), but need to experience togetherness and security to tolerate separateness and be able to thrive. This is where couples go wrong. They do funny business to juggle this dichotomy.

Due to this contrary nature, when we are psychically invested in meeting our emotional needs we can’t at the same time meet our erotic needs leaving couples to focus on the primary relational tasks of getting along, fighting well, communicating better, feeling closeness and spending fun times together. This assists manage crisis, prevent relational trauma, repair damage, heal wounds, grow-up and joyfully and peacefully “stay on the horse.” For most couples this in and of itself is a life journey through which they get to enjoy a satisfying and intentional relationship.

The problem comes in when the enmeshment and psychic needs are so prevalent that even this foundation is challenging to achieve. The next phase of creating and sustaining desire, passion and eroticism is then inconceivable … Couples would benefit from distinguishing between these two stages of relating and not placing the cart before the horse which only creates more confusion, dissatisfaction and hopelessness.

Whether you are trying to establish a strong and secure structure or get to the next phase, fear not for as long as you are investing in this journey you’ll get results and create the life and relationship you want …   

Here is to adding perspective and investing productively:

Closeness, togetherness and security (physical – intellectual – validation): Stand on your own two feet and own only yourself …  Mind what you are doing and operate from your strengths. Let your partner do the same without judging or criticizing them.

Separateness and differentiation (psychic – emotional – empathy) - not to be misunderstood as being individualistic and ego driven: Explore uniqueness and tolerance … Learn to self manage and regulate, implement a lot of self care, embrace your uniqueness. Embrace our partner’s uniqueness.

Oneness and synergy (energetic – transcendent, visionary, creative – compassion, altruism): Unleash your Authentic Self and Light … Attune to what makes you happy and feel good in everyday life, your feelings are your guiding mechanism, get in touch with your Mission and get to it. Invite your partner to do the same.

Note these are not mutually exclusive and are fluid in nature. It is helpful to see them as a progressive range or stages (a ramp), and not as concrete steps or levels (a set of stairs). Most couples operate from some overlap of the first two stages, so know you are not alone!

Keep working your ramp and your desire and attraction quotient will skyrocket! Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.  Enjoy more attraction, desire and loving today!

Happy Attraction and Loving!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Pick an activity, outing or hobby you’ve been admiring from afar and work with your partner to integrate it into your schedule and routine.  Build-in a reconnection ritual for when you get back …

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship ™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Enjoy Relationship Fun, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Would You Like to Experience Greater Desire and Passion?

Couples usually end up accepting the lack of desire and passion in their relationship as a fact of life for a longterm relationship. They are not happy or satisfied with this, but their attempts at remedying their lack of (passionate) physical intimacy don’t usually succeed. 

The reason for this is partners’ misconceived ideas about sex, intimacy, and each other, unrealistic expectations, body issues, attachment issues, unmet developmental emotional needs, judgement and criticism, and owning of each other instead of themselves. The resulting mindset has a huge impact on their libido and the couple’s sexual life. 

In addition to addressing the above, couples can greatly increase their passion by actively monitoring and engaging their mind. “Sex is not something we do, is somewhere we go,” says MFT colleague Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity. We usually focus on what we are doing. It’s not about technique, the motions, or the positions. It’s about Being deep inside our Selves in our body and our imagination. It’s an expression of our Self. How can we desire or be desired if we don’t exist …, show up?

It is our job to turn our Selves ON. The more confidence we feel, the better the sex. Turn the criticism and other owning buttons off. You don’t have to be perfect and neither does your partner. You don’t have to love everything about each other. You are both OK the way you are. You are both Hot!

Engage that part of you in your mind, and allow it to come out and play with your partner. Watch the video to assist you address the mindset holding you back and for practical steps for immediately creating greater passion:

5 Tips for Greater Passion

1) Lower Expectations
2) Invite, Entice …
3) Set-Up & Prepare
4) Work With Each Other
5) Expand Your Repertoire!

Every month can be a Month of Love. Start enjoying greater passion today. Watch the video to learn about these steps and start applying them now. Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.  

Surprise your Self and your partner with increased desire and passion!

Happy Desiring all Year Around!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Set an alarm to check-in 3x/day: 1) look around you, appreciate something beautiful and add more beauty to your environment, 2) check on how your body feels, what it needs and give this to your Self, and 3) pay attention to your thoughts, accept them, and add a vision of sensuality …  

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

No problem! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship ™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

******************************************************************

Posted in Enjoy Relationship Fun, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

What Gets You Super Excited …

Often times couples get so hang up in the business of running their life, attending to their family and other responsibilities, and working that being together, enjoying each other and having fun falls to the way side. This creates a terrible state of affairs where after a while couples forget how to have fun together … Too often I hear couples question whether they still have anything in common or if they ever did, wonder how to rebuild that into their relationship, and struggling with it once they do.

Our partnership, long-term relationship or marriage, cannot be all business. This is the quickest way to fall out of love, take each other for granted, not feel each other or feel disconnected, get on each other’s nerves, lose attraction, and other crippling states.

It behooves us to make investing in our relationship a priority. This can take on many forms – nurturing gestures, spending quality time together, outings and trips, sharing dreams, completing joint projects, learning and using new relationship skills, building the tolerance muscle of allowing each partner to Be themselves and bringing that to interactions and fun time …

Create space to allow fun in your relationship and a system for making it happen! Watch the video above to guide you in immediately incorporating fun in your relationship.

5 Tips for Extra Relationship Fun: 

1) Embrace differences
2) Create own Wish Lists of 10+ “fun” ideas
3) Pick from each other’s lists and plan the activity you each choose
4) Stretch to gift your partner from their list …
5) Systematize for ongoing fun … !

It’s time to have fun! Watch the video to learn about these steps and start applying them now. Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!  

Enjoy your relationship like never before. Bring your uniqueness, interests, excitement and Self to your fun time. Be with your partner to have fun!

Happy Fun Times!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

How do you like to have fun? What are your interests? Are you pursuing them? How do you spend your down time? How do you recharge? How do you feel alive? How do you feel sexy? When are you super excited? What makes you laugh? What touches your heart? What are adventurous things on your must-dos-before-I-kick-the-bucket list? If you don’t have one, make one! Ponder these things, explore, pursue, share … Give your partner a preview …

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

No problem! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship ™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

******************************************************************

Posted in Enjoy Relationship Fun, Feel Your Partner, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Are You Ready for a Deeper Connection with Your Spouse?

Couples struggle the most when they have poor boundaries.  When they tell each other, whether to the other’s face or in their own mind, how to be, how to feel, how to behave, what to think, etc. They are imposing themselves on their partner not allowing their partner to be themselves.

This causes the other to be cautious, unavailable, reactive, rageful, passive aggressive, flaky, and all kinds of ways that are not conducive to intimacy, togetherness, respect, peace and love. How can they feel close, intimate, accepted, appreciated and loved if they are told not to be themselves? How can two people know each other and be intimate if they can’t show up in their relationship? The trick is to allow the other to Be themselves, to accept them as they are, as scary as that might be …

Contrary to popular belief, this is not what will hurt you in the relationship … What hurts is what partners do to protect themselves from being told not be themselves! Talk about ironic.

Take a risk, let your partner be themselves, and allow for intimacy to happen. The video below guides you in safely taking this plunge. 

 5 Tips for More Intimacy:

1) Create opportunities for connecting

2) Ensure emotional safety

3) Appropriately set up interactions

4) Share from the heart, share your “mind”

5) Purpose is to “get” and accept each other

These guarantee a deeper connection and more intimacy! Start applying these steps now. Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want! 

Make this Valentine Season a meaningful one. Create more connection and intimacy!

Happy Connecting!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Take a moment to think about a side of you that you don’t usually share with your partner. Think about why you usually don’t share it. What are you afraid of? What feedback, message, have you gotten from your partner (and your past…) that has created this for you? What do you imagine their fear is that does not allowed for this part of you to show up? Share your thought process around this with your partner – check if what you imagine is their fear fits for them, approach this from a curiosity place and not a judgmental, accusatory, shaming or blaming place, pad the discussion with reassurance and safety for your partner, advise your partner that you will be taking a risk and showing more of you. Make the request that they support you and share with you what’s happening for them as you show up more… Accept what comes up for them, don’t try to fix it… The circularity, respect and honoring of this creates healing and growth, and allows for deepening the intimacy and enriching your connection.

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

No problem! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship ™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

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To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

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Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

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How is the Communication in Your Relationship?

Couples share one of the main issues in their relationship is their inability to properly communicate. They feel out of sync, not on the same page, disconnected, and not understood. To top it off their planning, getting things done, resolving conflict, making decisions and such are jeopardized by their lack of communication skill.

Their inept attempt at communicating makes things worse as they hurt each other’s feelings, widen the gulf between them, and feel further misunderstood and alone. Add to this all the other “funny” things partners do in their relationship that make it challenging to get along, and it makes sense they might feel in a slump …

Fear not, start getting out of the slump, addressing issues or simply creating a better relationship with improved communication. The video below gives you instructions on exactly how to do just that!

5 Tips for Better Communication: 

1) Make sure you heard the message correctly

2) Show your partner you understand where they are coming from

3) Show your partner you understand how they “feel”

4) Make time to “chat” (dialogue)

5) Deal with your selves while you wait to talk…

Watch the video to learn about these steps and start applying them now. Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.

Go for it, start the year right with new communication skills and nurturing your relationship! 

Happy Communicating!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Identify an item that you want to discuss or address with your partner. Invite them to dialogue about it following the instructions in the video above (share the video with them so you are on the same page!).  Before the “talk”, think about what it is you want to discuss and wrap your mind around your “story” or “point” so you speak your truth in a “clean”, respectful, and mindful manner: share how your emotions, how you are impacted by their behavior, your needs, etc. without beating up your partner. Speak about you, not how much your partner “sucks”…

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

No problem! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship ™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

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Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Do You Play with Your Partner?

http://www.metrorelationship.comEnticing Play … 

It’s interesting that we seek “togetherness” in our relationship, but this is exactly what brings about its demise and our general unhappiness … As a culture, we are experiencing numbness, a lack of Desire in our Relationship … Monogamy, exclusivity, our partner-meeting-all-our-needs, marriage for love is a fairly new phenomenon in our society, a conundrum actually.    

We set up the institution of marriage to fail by bringing our archaic Being into it. Our un-evolved, wounded, low frequency, disowned Self has the prime directive to feel safe through attachment, and therefore approaches “togetherness” with a reactive balancing act of clinging and distancing for self preservation … This is an Ego approach to togetherness, relationship, and marriage which creates physical and energetic space, distance and disconnect. All while remaining psychically fused, enmeshed, symbiotic, codependent, “together” … The death of actual intimacy, excitement and Aliveness …

Our culture’s obsession with individualism, independence and autonomy creates attachment rupture early in life and then tops this injury with inadequate launching of its young breeding the Ego approach to life and relationships and preserving the underdeveloped psyche, Self.

As a result, we buy into the illusion of being “separate” (individual) and attempting to be “together” (close) when the opposite is true. We are fused and distant perpetuating disconnect, detachment, indifference, paralyses, dissatisfaction, stuckness, ambivalence, and apathy. Definitely not Desire and Aliveness …  

We mean well. We have the right idea, to pursue togetherness (intimacy, closeness) while remaining separate (individual) but we are going about this all wrong. Our unmet emotional needs prompt us to seek “togetherness” through the clinging and distancing pattern we all know too well eternalizing the status quo with its continuous recreation of rapture and disregulation. Our psychic investment in getting our emotional needs met tromps our ability to be effectively separate creating a missing the forest for the tree syndrome …

This proximity prevents us from seeing our Partner, from knowing them for who they truly are and vise versa. This proximity prevents us from genuinely showing up, from being who we are … It robs us of the opportunity to see the Man or Woman behind the label (boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, mother, father); to be the Man or Woman behind the label … There is no faster way to kill Desire than by playing our everyday roles … They are familial, domestic, routine and restrictive. They are not sexy!

Further more, this level of “proximity,” trying to get our emotional intimacy needs met and following societal definitions of our prescribed roles, thwarts curiosity, mystery, and longing elemental to Desire. So, not only do we not get to see our partner, we also don’t get to miss our partner… And, we don’t even know what we might be missing! We just stew stubbornly in our unhappiness …

The key is to ride the uncomfortable edge, to straddle the line between closeness and space, with mindfulness, respectfulness, receptiveness, acceptance, openness, flexibility, compassion, forgiveness, humanity, responsiveness and progressiveness …

No longer be me- or other-focused, just Be. Bring your Self to the in-between … Expand the in-between, Play there … Now this is sexy! This unleashes Attraction, Desire, Passion, Aliveness … And, in this space you are One … Remember to look for the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!

Happy Playing!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

What makes you You? What is unique and beautiful about you? What are your interests? What grabs your attention? What’s your philosophy in life? How is your lens different? How does this manifest in your surroundings, opportunities, relationships and how you carry your Self? How do you show this to your partner? Do you show this to your partner? Does your partner get to see you? Make two “moves” that will allow your partner to see you …

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2013 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

No problem! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship ™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

****************************************************************** 

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Enjoy Relationship Fun, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Are You Passionate in Your Relationship?

Bring Out the Passion

How hot are you in your relationship? Do you allow your Self to be hot? Are you in touch with your hotness? Does your hotness come out and play? If you are like most partners in a long-term committed relationship, the answer to these questions might not very positive which does not bear well for the passion quotient in your relationship.

What is passion? Do you need it in your relationship? Do you want it? You might be thinking that you can do without it and what’s the big deal anyway.

For some of you this is obvious and the answers are something like, I have a hard time being hot and yes, I want the, or more, passion in my relationship. But, for others this might be a foreign concept to even consider … The fact is we all want to be Hot and have Passion – however you want to define these for your Self. For in being “hot” we Are ourselves and for in being “passionate” we are Alive … And, what better place is there than our intimate relationship for this playground of life?

But, hotness and passion go out the window, or can’t even enter it, when partners start adopting the socially prescribed notions of being androgynous, egalitarian and independent (worse, become codependent!) in their committed relationship. These make everything a blur, muted, dull. The relationship becomes an undifferentiated energy mass of sameness, neutrality, PC attitude, and “togetherness” … Yet, partners don’t feel intimacy or connection, never mind passion, Aliveness, as in fact they are choosing not to exist, not to fully show up … 

Now, don’t misunderstand me. There is nothing wrong with partners embracing stereotypically non-gender specific behaviors, roles, expectations, and attitudes; and, for partners to be equal in their relationship. This is not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about pursuing egalitarianism to the point where we lose ourselves, we become something unrecognizable in the pursuit of fairness, equality and justice. We mute ourselves to squelch stereotypes, disowning what might make us unique and special. And, in our pursuit for independence, to avoid dependence and being “needy”, we live parallel lives not showing up in our relationship and for our partner. Yet, this breeds codependence, stuckness and dissatisfaction.

Let’s get back to the basics. We are Energy. We have a unique vibrational frequency and “flavor”. This uniqueness comes in part from how we balance our male and female energies and own the different aspects of our Selves. The more out of balance, disintegrated and disowning we are, the lower our vibrational frequency and therefore the more muted and dead we are … This is obviously not attractive, never mind Hot!

So, an initial prescription is to own your inherent predominant femininity or masculinity for in this oppositeness is where the magnetism, the attraction, happens. And, own your uniqueness, the characteristics that define you, not your characterological defenses or defense mechanisms, but the Authentic you. This is what makes you Hot.

Explore your energy identity. What does it mean to be masculine or feminine? What does that look like? What does that feel like? How might that come out? How can you expand, enrich, how that shows up? How can you invite your partner’s opposite energy to come out and play? What would be Attractive to your partner? What would draw your partner out? What would excite your partner? But, before you go focusing on your partner, remember that you are energetically as Attractive and Hot as you feel … Hence, focus on your Self …

Feel your femininity or masculinity. Feel your Self in your body. Feel your body. Take care of your body, and appearance. Pamper your senses. Connect with Nature. Enliven and enrich your environment. Surround your Self with beauty. See the beauty around you.

Connect with your uniqueness, gifts, talents, magic. Let the Light shine through. Honor, gift, your partner with your Presence. Share of your Self – your experience, observations, learnings, dreams, vision, mission.

Welcome your partner witnessing your journey … Allow their influence and support … Let them show up for you … They are your cosmic partner. There is a reason for their being in your life. Revel in the partnership. Let it flourish and fulfill its purpose …

This is where you become Alive. This is where your Partner becomes Alive. This is where Passion resides. This is where there is Meaning and All makes sense … Remember to look for the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!

Happy Passioning!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Shine. Sparkle. Nurture your inherent predominant Feminine or Masculine Energy … Own it, live it: Sway or sturdy your body, undulate or embolden your voice, soften or invigorate your approach. Enliven your presence: Amplify your mannerisms, embellish your language, bolster your appearance and wardrobe, expand your repertoire of behaviors, broaden your preferences, tantalize the senses. Embrace the moment, flirt with it …

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2013 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

No problem! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship ™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

******************************************************************

Posted in Enjoy Relationship Fun, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

How Much Time Do You Have to Be in Your Relationship?

Make Time To Be Together

Time is a commodity in short supply depending on how you approach it … If you are strict about measuring time by the clock and calendar, there will never be enough hours in a day to create a lifetime of pleasure and purpose …

On the other hand, if you choose to Experience time, Being in the moment, you’d transcend the time-space-reality barriers and instead join the Vastness that Is. Here is when time becomes limitless and where all Abundance resides … Here is where joy, happiness and contentment happens. Here is where we make the difference and fulfill our Destiny …

The challenge is that we get distracted from the moment, from Being, by all the noise we create by doing! We put ourselves in a hamster wheel and then wonder why life, and our relationship, feel meaningless and exhausting. To top it off, partners are in their own wheels! We make it impossible to fulfill our commitment to our Journey …

This is detrimental to our relationship. It is impossible to synchronize, connect, feel each other, and feel our love if we are in separate worlds and in constant motion. We are moving targets!

It’s time to recognize the reality of this, acknowledge its impact, and do repair and rebuilding before the “clock runs out”.

First off, get off the hamster wheel! Take a ruthless look at your situation and how you are creating chaos and noise in your life. Be honest. Identify the demands, distractions, obligations, inefficiencies and redundancies that are energy suckers and black holes in your life. Take a look at your commitments, routine and situation. Do these honor you? Do they add to the quality of your life? Are they in alignment with your Authentic Self, your core values, and your purpose in life?

We have a tendency to operate with blinders on convincing ourselves that how we do things works, that we need the things we have, that the world will fall apart if we don’t do everything on our to-do list, that more is better. Stop the race. Life is not a marathon. Slow down the pace, remove the noise,clear out the clutter, restructure the routine – free up your Energy. When you remove the shackles you have Time, the possibility, to Be.

And this is Magnificent, for in your Being you are grounded, available, connected and abundant. You are Splendid. You are infinitely attractive … This is the partner your partner is attracted to. This is the partner your partner can relate to. This is the partner our partner enjoys. This is the Partner your Partner Loves.

Let’s take this a step further and get a little crazy. How about making Time for our Partner!? (sarcasm …) Imagine you align your schedules, calendars, routines, rhythms … Imagine that you bring You, in all your Splendor, to the places of convergence. Imagine how Glorious those interactions can be … This does not have to reside in your imagination only, for once you imagine it you can create it … Trust me …

Start with this:

1) Set the intention to have this – make the picture really vivid with colors, feelings and meaning …

2) Start creating Time

3) Invite your Partner to synchronize  

4) Show up in your Splendor

When you choose to get off the hamster wheel with your doing and decide to Be, Live, you have All the Time in the Universe … Time, Abundance and Love are then not a scarcity … Remember to look for the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!

Happy Timing!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Take stock of where your divergent point(s) happen in your relationship. Where in time and space do you find you miss each other? Where are you ships crossing in the night? When do most of your fights or disagreements happen? When do you feel the worst about your relationship or your partner (lonely, rejected, critical, hopeless, stuck, etc.)? These are all opportunities for creating Magnificence – you are not in sync or attuned, there is no space, and you are not showing up … Line up your Timing and approach your partner in your Splendor …

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2013 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

No problem! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship ™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

******************************************************************

Posted in Enjoy Relationship Fun, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Break the Rules Preventing an Awesome Relationship

Create Relationship Awesomeness

Do you experience déjà vu, broken records and same old stories in your disagreements with your partner? Do you feel stuck and find yourself repeating patterns and fights without knowing how to break the impasse? You are not alone … This is an unfortunate common experience in relationships.

I have cracked the code for breaking the impasse … and want to help you apply this in your relationship.

There are three steps to this process: 

1) Recognizing the pattern (observation and acknowledgment)

2) Stopping the pattern (insight and stretch)

3) Repairing, Rebuilding, and Revitalizing (skill and action)

Recognizing the pattern is a massive first step. I know that you know when you are in it. I know you recognize the repetitiveness of it, and the stuck and hopeless feeling. So, recognizing the pattern as the first step might seem silly to you, but stick with me as there is actually a lot more here…  

Couples feel stuck when they start arguing and can’t resolve their disagreement. They recognize the pattern here: how they feel, their approach, and the outcome. I want to challenge you to dissect, deconstruct, this further in order to identify opportunities for “doing” something different and therefore allowing, inviting, and creating a different outcome and the possibility for something amazing.

The pattern has typical elements. Here is a basic overview to get you started: 

Resistance and ambivalence: The disagreement actually happened way before the fight … If you are fighting, consider yourself lucky as the disagreement is now overt and can be addressed … The first sign that you are entering the twilight zone is when your partner is non-compliant, non-responsive, and you experience either of you doing aggressive, intrusive, controlling, flaky or flighty or wishy-washy, forgetful, manipulative, passive aggressive or other non-self-owing behavior. This is the sign that you are not on the same page.

Tension and intensity: Things start feeling weird. Physical symptoms might manifest (head, back, stomach or other ache, allergies, cough, losing one’s voice (literally), diarrhea, cramps, etc.). Negative emotions start to escalate (anger, frustration, despair, hopelessness, rejection, overwhelm, etc.). 

Circularity: You want to address what is going on and get to some resolution, but don’t know how. You start tip-toeing around, or possibly lashing out, in an attempt to synchronize, connect, get on the same page, get your needs met, or prevent a fight. You start saying the same old things, repeating yourself, you hear the same old from your partner – historical loaded words, phrases or requests show up. You both become stubborn. Your logic becomes very rigid, narrow, black-n-white, loopy, but most importantly, your internal process becomes a broken record … If you pay attention, you’ll notice your “story” showing up, your script, your saga, your rules and expectations … This “mindset” makes up your overarching relationship pattern …

Defensiveness and reactivity: At this point you are in the middle of if. You know you are in the pattern and you go around and around. You become defensive and lose sight of your partner and the bigger picture. Responses become reactive and attacking. Inappropriate, acting out, behavior might be thrown into the mix. This can become the point of no return in this round …

You can prevent this. When you start observing and decoding what’s happening, you are already intervening in both your behalf’s and starting the “pattern interruption.” You are on the right track to resolving the impasse! 

The next step is to go a little deeper and understand the trigger, the point of divergence. This is the root of the disagreement. This is where old hurts, projections, identification, internalizing, mind-reading, assigning of negative motives, assumptions, unexpressed expectations and needs, etc. come into play. This is the fertile ground for growth and healing. This is where your stretch is needed to break out of your mold to do better for your Self, and activate parts of yourself that allow you to be there for your partner in the way they need it … Once you transcend your fight and bring this to the table, you’ll be having a very different conversation … You can now address the source of the disagreement and get resolution …  

But even more magnificently, this is where you get to create the relationship you want. This is where the fun begins. This is where the “relationship work” is exciting, captivating, alluring, inviting, seductive, enthralling, seamless, effortless. This is the intentional relationship where you put in the good stuff and create pure awesomeness. This is the possibility after you get out of your own way … You are ready to repair, rebuild and revitalize. You can learn how to do this and apply it. You look forward to learning and applying it. You start breaking your own rules and thinking outside the box. This is where the magic is unleashed. This is where your vibrant relationship is created. It is absolutely breathtaking to be in this place!

Get out of our own way, break your own rules and be blown away by what lies just up ahead … ! Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to assist you effortlessly do this and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!   

Happy Rule Breaking!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Invite your partner into a dissection discussion. Review a prior fight looking for places where you each could have responded differently and how to foster togetherness, team work and support, cohesiveness, understanding,  compassion, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, closeness, and intimacy …

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2013 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

******************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

No problem! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship ™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Check out our video About Us and How We Help Couples

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

******************************************************************

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Enjoy Relationship Fun, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Are You Showing Up in Your Relationship these Holidays?

http://www.metrorelationship.com

Show Up for the Holidays!

The Holidays are always a difficult time of year for people for many reasons. At the risk of adding to the plethora of writing on this topic, I still feel called to share with you how you can use this time as an opportunity for change and creating an amazing life and relationship. I invite you to look at the Holidays not as something to endure, get through and manage, but as a fertile ground of new possibilities.

I ask that you put aside your usual thinking about the planning and celebrating of the Holidays, and instead look at them as a mirror of your life and relationship … Take a deep breath and hang in here with me … Let’s get down and dirty. The way you do the Holidays, and any other celebrations, is how you do your relationship … Take a moment to think about this. I’m asking to transcend and stretch your thinking … Give this a try and remove yourself from your earthly, material, and practical perspective and engage your essence and energy. Take deep breath …

Can you see the parallel? Can you see that your MO shows up everywhere? Can you see that what you put in is what you get back? Can you see that you are writing your own story? Can you see that you invite what you get? Can you see that how authentic you are (core you without defense mechanisms!) in your relationship translates to how intimate you can be in your relationship? Can you see that how much you show up in your life dictates the kind of life you have?? Take another deep breath … 

The way you go about doing the Holidays is how you go about doing your relationship and your partner, and how you engage with them during the Holidays is how you usually engage with them … How has this been working for you? 

The challenge I propose today is to do this differently. I want you to plan your Holidays using your Authentic Self, your Being … Bring your Energy to your planning, and give your Doing a break … Get out of your own way and allow the beauty of others to join you … 

Get out of your own way and allow YOUR beauty to show up! If your Energy could speak … What would it say? What would it ask for? What would it set up? What would it give? Remember, your Energy is Love, Nurturing, Compassion, Abundance, Forgiveness, Generosity, Creativity, Flexibility, Patience, Tolerance, Acceptance, Community, Togetherness, Security, Strength, Power, Peace, Passion, Vibrancy, Light, Life …

Your Energy can speak … Your energy is You … Use your Self well. Just show up! In showing up, you have won the war. You have transcended Fear, you have beat the Ego, you rejoice with your partner’s Self, and you are in Communion, and All is well …

Go for it, decide how and where you’ll show up, gift others with your Presence, and stop the mediocracy today! Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to assist you effortlessly do this and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want!   

Happy Showing Up!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Think on an area of Holiday Merriment that usually creates stress for you. Let go of the practical aspect of this challenge and put it instead into relationship terms … How would you like the big picture to be different? Who would you have to be to belong in that picture? Go for it, embrace your Higher Self and show up as you wish you could … It is that simple …

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2013 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

**************************************************************************

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

No problem! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship ™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

**************************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

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Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Enjoy Relationship Fun, Feel Your Partner, Grow & Empower Your Self in Your Relationship, Rejoice in Holiday Spirit and Partnership, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Do You Know the Role of Thanks-giving?

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Thanks Giving ...

We have a tendency to focus on the negatives, what doesn’t work, weaknesses and deficiencies, and how much our partner “sucks”. This is the kiss of death in life and relationships. This is a sure way of staying stuck in the status quo for what we focus on persists: we co-create it, manifest it, invite it …

The focus on negativity creates a state of fear which induces a fight, flight or freeze response:

Thoughts -> Feelings -> Action

If you think negative thoughts, what I call “crooked thinking” (not reality based …), you generate negative feelings (pain …), and therefore the resulting actions are meant to swiftly address this pain. But as they are ill-conceived they are in the form of defense mechanisms and reactivity creating more issues and more pain. This becomes a vicious cycle keeping you from moving forward in your life and stuck in a dissatisfying relationship.

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what happens in relationships when the focus is on the negatives and what doesn’t work … The resulting criticism, complaining, power struggling, and lack and deprivation erode the bond, connection, passion and good will. As you can imagine this creates a toxic situation that becomes pervasive and impossible to live with. It sucks the life out of your relationship, and your life … You don’t even have to be verbally critical – show disapproval with your body language and facial expressions, or even just in your thoughts … the impact is the same!! 

Fortunately, there is a VERY simple solution to this dilemma and tendency … The antidote to this plague is Appreciation … The brain can not physically, biologically, have its fear and appreciation centers activated simultaneously. This means that if we can figure out how to be in a state of appreciation, we can bypass the fear state and therefore break this cycle!

Here are two methods I teach my peeps to use to enrich their relationship and life:

Appreciation RX: Once the brain’s appreciation center is activated, and the feeling good chemicals are released, its blissful effect lasts for a few hours. Therefore, I devised this intervention where you are “prescribed” to take an appreciation “dose” 3x / day. This can translate into doing appreciations at breakfast, lunch and dinner – just like taking medicine or vitamins! You can build this into any kind of ritual, or routine, that works for you like being thankful for meals, brushing teeth, drinking coffee, commuting, etc.

Appreciations don’t have to be anything fancy - don’t let this task scare you. Just open your eyes and see the beauty around you… There is plenty to see! Be thankful for what is…

Partner Appreciation: I know that when we are hurt, disappointed or feeling resentful that it is close to impossible to think of what we appreciate about our partner and even harder to share this with them. Herein lies the beauty of this exercise. When you stretch to focus on the positive and notice your partner’s magnificence, and therefore what they bring to the relationship, you are then gifted with their magnificence!

This is an amazing feat not only because we have the tendency to look for negatives and deficiencies, because in partnership we trigger each other for the purpose of growing and healing, but because our ego is threatened. To be able to transcend all this and truly see your partner, and then share it with them – WOW! When you start doing this, you start experiencing the relationship you want! 

It IS that simple!  Focus on what your partner contributes, things you like about them, things they’ve done that touch you, notice the effort they put in and how they are trying (yes, they are trying their own way…). Appreciate this, and lo and behold!

Don’t let your relationship continue to suffer at the mercy of negatives. Implement one of the methods now, and start creating changes. Hey, do both for good measure and maximum impact! Go for it, give them a try.

Do the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to assist you effortlessly implement this and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want! 

Notice the good, acknowledge the gifts, be Thankful – express your Appreciation! 

Happy Appreciating!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment

Share this concept with your partner and commit to having an appreciation session (10 min) once a week at a mutually agreeable time.

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2013 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

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Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

No problem! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship ™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

**************************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

***************************************************************************

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Rejoice in Holiday Spirit and Partnership, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Are You Giving Enough to Your Honey?

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Give from the Heart

Are you generous in your relationship? Do you freely give from your heart with no strings attached, tit-for-tat, score keeping, need for acknowledgement, manipulation, or any other funny business?

This may appear as an obvious rule to follow in our relationship but I actually find that it’s not, especially for couples that are struggling. I come across much crooked logic around how partners choose to interact and give. They create so much suffering.

Partners have different ways of withholding. Withholding comes from a fear of self extinction, not existing, annihilation, and the need for self preservation … The giver has to make sure they also get for in getting they know they exist …  Also, being stingy gives the false impression of security, keeping reserves, and being safe or protected. These create a power struggle, conflict, drama, and pain in the relationship. Partners experience this as being taken for granted, abandoned, neglected, and punished. In their stinginess they stifle the natural flow of abundance, aliveness, love, passion – thereby keeping themselves and the relationship in a state of deprivation, paralyzed, stuck …

However you are withholding is obviously not conducive for creating the relationship you want.  There are two paths you can follow to rectifying this.

1) Psychological: Address the underlying driving motivation for your choices, the fear of self extinction and need for self preservation, in more healthy and productive ways … (Beyond today’s topic)

2) Practical: Make a commitment to creating an awesome relationship, and start giving from the heart effortlessly by replacing your giving style with laser beam targeted loving guaranteed to touch your partner!

When you choose to put your funny business aside and genuinely and fully commit to making your relationship work, magic starts to happen. I’ve seen it, and I’m no Tinker Bell!

When you make this kind of commitment, you start operating from a heart-centered place - becoming open minded, flexible, patient, understanding, accepting, compassionate. You begin to understand and accept how your partner wants to be loved, and what touches them. You can begin to give from the heart and do informed giving.

Sometimes, even though we have the best of intentions, and come from a very loving place, our efforts still do not touch our partner’s heart, nor do we know what would. This might feel hopeless, but there is no need to despair. A little curiosity, investigating, and mindfulness goes a long way. The tip is to identify your partner’s love language (refer to the list below, and you can refer to The 5 Love Languages) and to make sure you give to your partner in the way they prefer to receive love… You can give laser beam targeted loving! 

Below are the 5 ways for giving targeted loving to match your partner’s love language preference, and at the end is your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment to help you get started:

Acts of Service - Do things for them, help with tasks, take care of things that need doing, offer to help with projects, surprise them by fixing, buying, planning, etc. without  their asking, take charge and lead gently

Time Together - Spend quality time together, plan dates, join in activities, tackle projects together, create new rituals, synchronize your routines, plan special couple moments

Physical Intimacy - Do a lot of touching, caressing, hugging, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, other forms of affection, and enrich your sensual and sexual repertoire

Words of Acknowledgement - Shower your partner with compliments and praise, show appreciation for their contributions, give validation for their experience, give credit for their efforts

Material Gifts - Know what kinds of things your partner likes (when in doubt fish around or ASK!), tailor your gifts to their personality, style, profession, talents, interests, needs, celebration, milestones, etc.

It’s time to be more generous, start giving from the heart, give laser beam targeted loving for maximum impact! Let your partner feel your love!

Embrace your generosity today!

Happy Giving!!

 

~ Your MetroRelationship Assignment

Invite your partner into a discussion about your Love Languages and how you each like to receive love. Identify and share with each other your own primary love language, and then explore how you each can give love to the other in their love language so they can feel your efforts.

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below what resonated for you in this article, what your take away is about Love Languages and what you’ll be giving as your targeted loving. PLEASE post a comment – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship (sm) Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2013 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

No problem! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship ™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

**************************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

***************************************************************************

 

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Feel Your Partner, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Are You Being Vulnerable in Your Relationship?

masksSave the Mask for Halloween!

Time and again the prevalent theme in initial sessions with couples is reactivity, anger, fighting, hopelessness, criticism and lots of pointing fingers. The partners appear to be enemies. The pain is palpable in the room. A real sad state of affairs!

All this noise is just misguided attempts at being heard and understood, getting needs met, getting on the same page, connecting, feeling closeness, love and passion, and experiencing intimacy, joy and peacefulness. This is partners’ grown up version of baby crying to get basic needs met… They are trying real hard to create a Successful and Satisfying Relationship (sm), but what they don’t realize is that their approach is creating more rapture, space, disconnect, and pain.

Their approach is defensive and offensive. It creates a mask that hides their authentic and fabulous selves from each other. It only helps to promote more separateness, dislike and dissatisfaction. Who wants to, or can, get close to a fire breathing dragon or a recluse turtle? These partners are setting up a situation where it is impossible to create a Successful Relationship!

What they don’t realize is that the opposite approach is in order, though hard it might be to operate from such a place. This is where risk taking, trust and vulnerability come in. Embracing these characteristics shift the energy from antagonistic to collaborative allowing for compassion, understanding and togetherness. This is another basic concept of creating a Successful Relationship…

It’s time to take off the mask and show up to your relationship! Here are the simple 3 steps for safely implementing vulnerability when creating your successful relationship. Implement them in this order for maximum results! Also, refer to the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below for additional instructions on using this insight to immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.

Stop the Attack - First and foremost, if you do nothing else but stop the onslaught of assault whether it is a full on attack with flame throwers (pursuer) or the more quiet version of secret espionage (distancer), you’ll be ahead of the game. The insult to injury that partners impinge on each other sets them further and further away from where they want to be, what they are trying to achieve and from getting what they want in their relationship. I’ve seen couples consistently repeat the same hurtful and destructive approach in trying to get a different result. This is maddening! If your partner gets triggered by distance and being left – DO NOT ASK FOR MORE SPACE! If your partner gets triggered by requests, demands and criticism – DO NOT ASK THEM TO DO MORE! Just stop your usual approach!! 

Use X-Ray Vision - Then, use what I call x-ray vision and see beyond your partner’s mask. Instead of focusing on how imperfect, unfitting, inconsiderate, unfair, hurtful, etc. your partner’s behavior or response is to you, redefine their approach as just a self protective mechanism. When you do this from a compassionate and heart centered place and not from an ego, blaming, “logical” place, you’ll be able to start genuinely seeing the pain and vulnerability driving your partner. Stop assigning evil or ill intent motivation to your partner’s action, and see what’s beyond the mask. Their attitude is not about you – it’s about them!! 

Show Your Vulnerable Side – Finally, you need to show up to your relationship and interactions if you are to have a relationship period. Two egos, set of defensive mechanisms, interacting with one another do not a relationship make. It’s actually fairly easy… want intimacy – share of your self, want closeness – be available, want TLC – be softer, want passion – be exciting, want respect – own your self, want compassion – share vulnerable / hurt feelings…, you get the gist! 

Stop sabotaging your relationship success. Take a moment to regroup and try a different approach… Save the mask for Halloween!

Happy Regrouping!!

~ Your MetroRelationship Assignment

Using your x-ray vision will allow you to see the vulnerable side of your partner and provide you with hints on how to repair, meet needs, make nice, show love, connect, touch your partner, etc. Use your inner guidance and compassion to decode what you see and to device an approach that is intended to warm your partner’s heart the way they need it…

Bonus Tip: See your partner’s inner child crying out for help…

~ Share Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to share below how you’ve shifted and what new behaviors you are using to interact with your partner. Would love to hear how they responded to your new approach! PLEASE post a comment – we grow in community!

Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2013 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

No problem! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship ™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

**************************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

***************************************************************************

Posted in Feel Your Partner, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Are You Being Nice to Your Partner?

puppies hugging

Be Nice...

I don’t know why partners can be wonderful people to strangers, and yet awful to each other. Wait, actually I do know why!

There is an inherent risk in being nice to our partner… We create the opportunity for being available, vulnerable, close, intimate, One… Creating the possibility for change, for More…

This can be threatening. Our Ego is not able to tolerate this Togetherness and Vastness… Instead it looks at “being nice” as a danger that we might lose ground and ourselves, as a message that we are OK with the status quo and with unacceptable interactions, as permission to accept getting less than we deserve, as an agreement to live with deprivation, neglect, negativity and even abuse.

But the opposite is true, being Ego led maintains the status quo! Not taking a risk and being run by fear is our Ego’s way of keeping things as they are – “safe”, separate… Sometimes it’s easier to deal with what is than with what could be… Yet, this is painful and not safe… Maintaining the illusion of separateness is a sure way of keeping things as they are…

What a waste this is! Is this how we want to live our life? Is this the kind of relationship we want to create? At the end of the day, the amount of pain and suffering endured is for nothing… This is a coward’s way of living – playing it safe and not showing up to life, to intimate relating. This is putting your hand up to the Universe and saying, “It’s OK, I don’t need closeness or intimacy, or to Be in Relationship, to feel Love. I’m not on this earth to be Alive. I’m just here to take up space”…

It’s time to fire your Ego! Here is my OMG Formula (sm) on how to switch from fear to heart based interactions with your partner that is a proven approach to creating peace, love, intimacy, passion and synergy in your relationship.

Ownership – First and foremost, you MUST take ownership of what you are contributing to your status quo and clean out anything harmful. Even if what you are contributing is seemingly positive… Are you overfunctioning, protecting, helping, diffusing, being a goodie-two-shoes, selfless, dedicated, a go-getter? Do you take charge? Are you enabling? Remember, you co-create the relationship you have. So, even if something you are doing seems positive, think of the impact it has on your partner… The more you “do” (react), the less your partner has to… And vice versa!

Mindfulness – Use a caring, understanding and compassionate, lens to interpret your situation and interactions. Stop making assumptions and assigning malicious motives to your partner’s behavior and actions. Instead give them the benefit of the doubt, room to show their intentions, and look for attempts at connection and repair. They might not do these with finesse, but is the effort and intention that count. With patience, tolerance and respect you can provide guidance on polishing the delivery so it can touch your heart.

Greatness – Always put your best foot forward, be the better person, and take the higher road. We save our yummy parts for other people in our life. Our partner gets to see and experience the worst of us… Why deprive them of your magnificence? Share your skills, talents, passion, and greatness with your partner!  

Below is your MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment to get you started immediately creating the relationship you want! 

The intention and investment to create a Heart Centered life and relationship takes courage, but ultimately the return is well worth the risk.

Don’t pass on the game of life! Be nice!

Happy Playing!!

~ Your MetroRelationship Assignment

Take stock of how you are “too helpful or good” in your relationship. Pay attention to how this robs your partner of the opportunity to show up and be there for you… Pick 3 of these intimacy sabotaging mechanisms you usually employ and start weaning yourself off today! Be gentle and loving to yourself as you stretch into this new way of Being. Be prepared for your resistance to the new intimacy you’ll start experiencing… Enjoy!

~ Post Your Thoughts & Successes!

Take a moment now to comment below on how you started operating from a Heart led place and its impact in your life and relationship. Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship Family!

 

Copyright (c) 2013 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

No problem! Here is how, you MUST include: 

Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship ™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples ™ programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com

**************************************************************************

To get your downloadable relationship enrichment tips and receive our weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com 

******************************************************************

Contact Us If You Need Help with Your Relationship Enrichment!

*************************************************************************** 

Posted in Change Your Relationship Dynamics, Relationship Enrichment | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments